Uh oh...

I was on the phone with my BF last night and said something that didn't need to be said. It violated his #1 rule and he hasn't spoken to me since. I asked him if he can forgive me and my big, fat mouth, but he's not sure he can. I know he's busy on the road and has a lot of other things on his mind (like making a 15 hr drive by tomorrow morning), but I sure hope to hell that I hear from him soon. I'd hate to lose him because I said something I shouldn't have. I may very well be pregnant with his baby already and, although I'm prepared to do so if needed, I don't want to think about raising this baby without him around at least a little bit....

The Past

I dated a guy for about a year and, whenever something went wrong, he dumped me. I didn't let him get away with it most of the time, but have realized now that his doing that has made me assume that my current boyfriend will do the same thing. He's younger than I am and absolutely gorgeous and guys like him don't happen to me. I had a really rough time in hs when it came to guys and that experience has indelibly marked my self esteem. People who see me now see a confident woman, but only a few people know a totally insecure girl lurks just behind that facade and I feel powerless to do anything to banish her! The confident facade has been up for so long now, that its second nature to keep it up. Unfortunately, its all a fucking lie... I need to find a way to exorcise that insecure little twit from my psyche so she stops fucking with my life. Anyone got any suggestions, aside from an actual exorcism, that is??

WTF????

I had come up with a surprise striptease for my BF, one that practically any straight male would enjoy, but after a disagreement, found out he "would have been bored". He got pissed about something else and I decided to call the night a disaster and go home. He then tells me "Guess this is goodbye." and "Go home." and when I ask if he really wants to split, he says "Can't you read. What did I just say?" I take this as a dumping and go back to his apartment for the rest of my shit. I schlep it out to the car, make it home in a completely numb blur, and then receive a text saying he didn't dump me and who ever said that.... I'm still numb, though I've cried some, but now I'm completely fucking confused. Just the other day, we started trying to get my pregnant and he swears his instinct told him I already was. Now he's saying he never mentioned splitting up, but that I jumped to conclusions....

If I am pregnant with his baby, the last thing I want to do is face the specter of raising my child without him around. I was going to do it alone if I used a donor, but I don't want to if I conceive with a flesh and blood person. He had some bad nightmares the other night and something in them foretold of his death in the hazy near future. He talks about 'not being around much longer' in such a cavalier way and it really bothers me for the aforementioned reason...