Anxiety

Spent most of the weekend with Brian and it was great until we went to play pool on Saturday night. Something happened and we didn't speak much after that. He did say he was going to the range alone the next day and when he was leaving told me "Don't be here when I get back". I knew he was upset (he claims I Never listen to him, which is bullshit) and needed his space so I went home shortly after he left. He sent me a few texts on Sunday, but didn't return the 2 I sent him yesterday. This morning, I ask how long I'm going to be ignored and he said I obviously didn't get that he needs his space and that my 'bugging him' was pissing him off. I sent him 2 texts and 2 emails (one video he was looking for and one job opening)... I'd hardly call that bugging, esp considering how many times I wanted to text him.

I don't know what to do. I know I should just call time of death, but I can't bring myself to give up and walk away. I still love him, despite everything. Now he's saying he doesn't think we should have a child because he 'doesn't want to deal with me and a kid'. I told him my original plan was to raise my child by myself and that I only want him involved if he wants to. I'm not going to try and force him to be a dad... That's an impossible thing to do.

Unfortunately for me, my physical reaction to anxiety is awful! My stomach is upset and although I'm hungry, I can't usually stomach more than a small amount of anything. My heart goes tachycardic at random times and every time my text tone goes off, my stomach clenches and I get a new wave of rapid pulse. All I want to do is sleep, but my racing heart makes me feel so weird that I can't.

He hasn't said anything definitive about splitting up and I know he would if that were the case. I can handle giving him space, I just wish I didn't physically feel like this! I feel awful and not like myself and I know its not helping my ability to cope. I'm trying to keep busy, but its a gray ugly day and I don't feel like doing anything but wallowing in my anxiety and heartache. I start crying at the most random times too...

In a Funk...

I have no idea why, but I've been in a funk for the last few weeks and I can't do anything to snap myself out of it. Brian said he'd noticed a change in my demeanor and I definitely feel different, I just don't know why...

I'm trying to get pregnant and my first weeks of trying didn't take. I know its early, but it still kind of hurt when Aunt Flo showed up Monday. I'm afraid I've waited too long and won't be able to get pregnant...

I want a normal relationship with a normal man, but I love a bipolar man with PTSD and I can't do anything to change how I feel. He says he loves me, but won't make a sound if I choose to leave him. I don't know how he can profess to love me, but not give a shit if I stay with him or not! I'm not a quitter and the last thing I want to do is walk away from him. We get along so well, normally, and its killing me that we have this kind of tension between us! Why do I love him? He's smart, funny, and gorgeous and I, usually, love spending time with him, despite not being able to hold and kiss him like I want.

All I know is that I want to feel like myself again...