I just don't know what to do.

The other day my guy got upset about something minor (in true beeper style) and said he wasn't going to talk to me for 4 weeks. He's done this before, but always ends up talking to me after a few days so I emailed him and told him I missed him. He then restarted my 4 week clock this morning. I told him if that was the case he was just being a jerk and couldn't blame it on his bipolar. He then went off the rails and said he wants his stuff packed up so he can get it sent to Nebraska. Again, he's said this before, but its never come to fruition.

I just don't know if it will this time and I'm so afraid I'm going to lose him. I love him so much and he's so amazing when he's not having a beeper episode. We've talked about growing old together, whether or not we get married, and we were planning to move to Nebraska together later this year. He always says things about teaching our son to scare Momma with a firecracker in the bathroom and asks if my heart will melt when I walk in and see the two of them crashed on the couch. I'm not sure any of  that's happening now and the uncertainty of not knowing has my stomach in knots. I can't eat much and know I'm going to lose more weight if I don't start soon. I'm already down to my high school weight and don't really want to drop anymore.

I did choose to be with him, despite the crap that comes with loving a beeper, so I guess I don't have anyone to blame by myself. That's part of the reason I don't tell my friends about everything that goes on between us. I know they won't understand why I just don't leave him for someone without a mental health issue. One friend, who has become a close friend in the last year, is very familiar with living with a beeper as her mom had it quite badly. I can unload on her and I know she'll understand, but I still feel bad talking solely about the crap I'm going through with him.

I've checked out bipolar support groups, but I can't seem to find what I really need. Not that I know what I really need. My mom doesn't want to hear about him at all, good or bad, and I don't want to tell my brother. I have my dad, but once again, I don't like to unduly burden people with my relationship shit. That is why I write this blog, though I'm sure no one actually reads it. It helps me to unload without having to burden anyone with crap they've already heard time and time again.

I'm not a quitter and I don't want to walk away from him. He's been left more than once and I know he's very afraid of it happening again, though he'll never admit it. I'm a strong enough person to handle his swings, which I don't think the other women were, but it'll kill me not getting a chance to find out what kind of life we could have. I want to have his children. I want our daughter or son to have my eyes and his full lips, my love of reading and his 'I can figure anything out mind'. At this point, I don't even know if I can have children at all, let alone more than one.

All I can do at this point is ride it out and see what his next move is. I'm not good at waiting, though being with him has made me more so than I used to be.

Life in Flux...

So many things have happened since I last blogged. It's gotten serious with my guy and he's told me, on several occasions, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me... I was a bit shocked the first time he told me that, but have gotten over it and am looking forward to growing old with him.

I've also met his parents and liked both of them. They did, however, find out about our situation and decided a few weeks ago that they weren't comfortable with my being around them until his divorce is finalized. That hurt to hear, but I know they feel very strongly about the sanctity of marriage and can't fault them for their feelings. He then told them, "I'm standing with Erika and if you're against her, you're against me." He moved the majority of the rest of his stuff to my house and stayed with me the entire 2 weeks he was just home. He told me that he "thinks my family is going to be his family." He's already started talking to them a bit and they've already said they will welcome me back once his divorce is finalized...

Unbeknownst to them, we're planning on moving to Nebraska later this year. He just got into his new truck with a great company based in Omaha. They are quite small and run only 500 trucks. I think he'll be much happier with this kind of company, plus he's making quite a bit more per mile than he was previously. Our thought is that he'll have much more home time if we lived in NE, as opposed to staying in CA. I've also never lived far from my family and need to spread my wings and see more of this country. I'm excited for the adventure, but the logistics of moving are daunting, at best, and it's going to be a big undertaking. We've discussed living there for a few years and, eventually, moving back to CA. He knows family is important to me and I want our kids to have easier access to all their grandparents, especially when they get a bit older. Who knows, I might become preggers while we're there. The thought of not having anyone near by when I have an infant is scary, but he says everyone he's met is super friendly so I'm sure I won't have difficulty finding a support system there. It's going to be so hard for me to leave my puppies though. When we first talked about moving, I couldn't look at my dogs without bawling... I'm getting better now, but am still concerned about what I'm going to do with them. I can't have them there until we have a house with a yard, but I have no way of knowing how long that's going to be. Also, my brother is taking the Air Force entrance exam on Monday and could be going to boot camp shortly thereafter. Where will he be stationed? What will happen to our 3 dogs? My parents can't handle six dogs... Who am I going to find to rent the house? So many questions would be running through my head if I let myself think about it...