Recently.

I recently had a very honest and very overdue convo with my man and, much to my dismay, I found that the person I have become very nearly cost me him. He loves the real me, but can't stand who I have become. I have to change and I will, but I'm petrified because I have no idea where to start and I couldn't bear to lose him. He was seriously considering leaving me recently and went so far as to find someone online and spend some time with her. They fooled around a bit and spent the day with her, but he didn't go to the point of sleeping with her because he didn't want to throw away 18 month for someone who seemed perfect on paper. I feel horrible that I'm the reason he almost left me and felt he needed to turn to another woman and I have no way to convey how sorry I am. I'm a complete fuckup. I'm 34 and don't have my shit together. Most people get to fail and fall on their face during their 20s, but I got married at 22 so I don't have the benefit of that earlier experience and its so much more difficult to deal with when it happens in your mid 30s... I feel like a pathetic loser, but I know I have to change and I want to. I will change back to the real me. I will change back to the real me. I will change back to the real me. I HAVE TO CHANGE BACK TO THE REAL ME OR I'M GOING TO LOSE THE MAN I LOVE!!!!

To further complicate issues, he's applying for a job with the gas company because its a good job with room for advancement and he knows I would love to stay in this area even though living here is the last thing he wants to do. I was stunned that I hadn't picked up on his doing this just for me, thereby making me feel like more of a loser. I'm pretty sure he's going to get the job, but am I terrible for not wanting him to? I want to move with him and am willing to move almost anywhere so that he can be happy. I'm trying not to be selfish, but he keeps telling me that if I really wanted to move, I would have done it on my own. The thought of moving on my own and starting over somewhere completely foreign scares the all loving shit out of me. All I want is to be able to start our life together and for him to be happy.

I'm so confused. Scared. Petrified. Excited. Worried.

Why Does It Have to Be Like This?

So, he's been home for the last 2 days and its been great. This morning, he wakes up a complete cranky bastard, going on about my house is making him sick and he's never going to stay here again. He knew he was risking allergies when he opted to stay here the other night. Now, we're sitting in bed, not speaking at all... Yeah for us.