Fast forward 3 months. We've moved from Kearney to Plattsmouth. I'm now 5 1/2 months pregnant with my first child, a boy. I was engaged to his dad, but somehow picking up a ring he "regrets buying for me" devolved into my having 2 weeks to find another place to live or move back to California so I can "raise him around family and get help with day care" in a state with high prices and double digit unemployment...
Ever since I got pregnant in February (on the weekend he proposed) and found out in March, he's not hesitated to tell me how he didn't want a kid and how I've now ruined his life and all the plans he had, like becoming a competitive long distance shooter (yeah, that was gonna happen), etc, etc. Then he goes back to trucking so he "support his family" and we move to a small town south of Omaha so he can live closer to the yard, be home more often, and we can be safe. Then he goes on and on about how he wants to blow on the belly and teach our boy how to play pranks on Mama. Today, after the ring debacle, he says he just wanted to know what style and look I liked so that he could buy one from a friend back home to give to me when we got married at the courthouse, but that now he has no intention of ever buying me a ring, ever and that he doesn't want to be with me and we're just cohabitating to raise our son. This was right before he said I should never have moved to Nebraska in the first place and that he'll pay for me to move back to Cali or I have to move out.
I still love him and have lost a close friend because I won't leave him and she got tired of hearing about what was going on with us. Now I have no one to talk to at all. I won't burden my friends with this and I can't talk to my parents about it. I'm in a shitty, shitty position and have no one to go to, except here...
His mom told me the other day that she and his dad have grown to love me and that it will break their hearts if I "go away". I would never keep our son from his grandparents, but I want him to have his dad in his life too. I'm hoping against hope that this is just the effects of a bipolar episode and that he'll be back to his normal soon. I don't want to lose the man I love and the father of my child, but I also want to be able to take care of our son on my own if I have to and I'm scared to death that I won't be able to. I can't seem to stop crying for more than a few minutes and I feel so scared and alone.
I'm applying for any damn job that I'm remotely qualified for and have 2 interviews this week and next. I just applied for a couple more tonight so we'll see what happens. There are a lot more job opportunities around Omaha, but I don't know if I'll make enough for rent, bills, baby stuff, etc. If I moved back home, the only thing I would have for sure is my car and a place to live. Finding a job would be hellish and even if I did, chances are it would be worse than before because I have a child to pay for too.
This is my conundrum....
