Well, Brian and I almost split for good recently. I went so far as to contact my parents about driving out to Nebraska to pack me and my stuff back to California. Brian started talking about selling all his stuff so it would be less for someone to deal with and how once he leaves, I'll never see him again and that I'll get a phone call and just hear a gunshot. The next morning, he tells me he doesn't want me to leave because he's scared about what he'll do if he's alone. He also said he doesn't want to throw away 2 years and start over, nor does he want to have 2 kids with 2 women and not be with either of them. He did say that he still loves me and had lied when he said that he stopped loving me a few weeks before. He also admitted that he realized he needs professional psychiatric help because he doesn't like how his bipolar makes him feel or act, but he doesn't like how his medication makes him feel either. I applaud him wanting to take steps to get better, but I know the next year or so is going to be so difficult to get through. He's already stopped his medication because of the side effects and, though he feels better without it, he's been really difficult in the last few weeks.
We talked a lot the day after everything happened and we both agreed to put past bad decisions behind us and start over to move forward from here, but I don't know that I shouldn't have gone back to California. I love him more than anything and always will, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to stand by him while he gets treatment. He said I was the first person who remained a stable presence in his life and didn't run at the first signs of trouble. I've always known I am and that's a huge part of the reason why I never left when he brought it up before. I think my beginning the arrangements to leave made him realize that it was real this time. Did that scare him? I don't know.
I just got back from a 9 day trip home for a visit and baby shower and being in my old room and my old house felt somewhat foreign to me. I loved getting to see everyone I saw and Marley was ecstatic that I was home (she gave me the most awful sad dog face when I left), but I felt myself looking forward to going "home".
Now, I'm home, my car is getting picked up tomorrow, and I've been taken off Brian's insurance as an authorized driver so I have no way to get anywhere. Luckily, a coworker is going to pick me up and drop me off for work, but I'll have to walk over to the grocery store if I need anything when Brian's not here. Today he tells me I'll have to get my own car and insurance if I want to be able to get anywhere. I won't be working after the end of October and have applied for some state aid, but I have no idea how much, if any, I'll get.
I don't know what time is going to bring, besides my beautiful baby boy, but I know I've got to be strong for Ian and be the best mom I can be to him. I just hope I can live up to what he needs because I feel like a total failure otherwise. I'm 35, working for just more than minimum wage, and have NOTHING to my name. Not exactly where I thought my life would be...
