So much has happened since I last blogged! Brian and I moved to Kearney, Nebraska, he proposed 2 months after I got here and I got pregnant that night! I'm now 8 weeks along, give or take, and life is taking a fucking nosedive... Brian says he doesn't love me much anymore and won't support our baby at all. He's not going so far as to kick me out like he said he was last week, but he won't help me out at all. He got a second job because of the baby and ended up working until 1 am, 4 am, and 10 pm for the last three days. I don't know if he needs to adjust his dosage or just needs some sleep, but I know I don't want to lose him, even when he says everything that's fucked up is mostly my fault. I know that's the BP, not him, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep getting verbally abused like this. Tonight, he even threw a step stool down the hall. It only hit the door, but that's the first time I've been even the tiniest bit afraid for my physical safety, especially now that I'm pregnant.

This is supposed to be a magical time in my life and, instead, its just all fucked up and turned on its head. If I could find a job that paid more than $8.50 an goddamn hour, that would help so much. I can pay my bills and half the rent on it, but there isn't much else left for anything. He won't let me forget my past irresponsibility and how much its "costing him now" with my debt and high car insurance. Like I fucking meant to wreck my car and have to pay $200 a month for insurance!! Then he wants to "talk about it" and berate me for my bad choices, like that's going to do any fucking good at all!!!! It's over and done with! Stop beating the dead, fucking horse and move on!! I don't berate him for fucking the bartender when they were in LA and giving me chlamydia!

On top of all this shit, Marivel is no longer my friend because I looked to her for support last week and, apparently, she didn't want to hear about us again because when I told her thanks for the support, she told me I could talk shit about others, but couldn't handle it when others did the same to me. I told her to fuck herself and the horse she rode in on. Stupid bitch. I was fine without her in my life and I'll be fine again.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I keep waiting for that one thing I need to help life go smoother to happen, but I'm getting awfully fucking tired of waiting and I feel so helpless to make my situation any better. I'm going to look for a part time job somewhere. It's the only thing I can do at this point. I'm going to be tired as hell, but that's no fucking different from how I already feel.