Feeling such relief now.

I stopped by Adam's house today to give him a toy truck he'd let my son play with. I'd been planning on asking for a hug since it could conceivably be the last one I'd get from him. Before I had a chance to say anything, he pulled me into a warm bear hug. I tried so hard not to cry, but I was unsuccessful at stemming the trickle. We talked for over an hour and he explained that he's normally all in on relationships too, but he'd been running with both feet "on the brakes" to keep himself from getting too far into it while he had these unresolved feelings about his breakup. He's not still in love with his ex, but he does need some closure since their relationship ended so abruptly. He also said he could see we were heading to the next step and would be meeting each others "people" before too long and he didn't want to wait the feelings out, hoping they'd go away, and have it blow up in his face if they didn't. He wanted to be emotionally selfish, but chose to be emotionally selfless and protect me instead. He thinks I'm amazing in more ways than one and I've been through hell and he doesn't want to risk being responsible for destroying me emotionally. We also have our kids to think about too. I admitted that I was easily able to see myself falling for him in the not so distant future. He's pretty amazing and I HEART him!!

I totally understand what he's saying and I left his house smiling, despite our "hiatus". His buddy was funny and texted him that he cruised by and saw my car and could he come over or should he stay away! We parted ways with a nice hug. I know we'll be back together soon. I can feel it. Plus, my part witch friend said the same thing and she's not wrong about these things...

Am I Pathetic or Just a Fool for Love?

After leaving my son's dad last summer, it took me several months to start feeling like myself again. He'd treated me like I was so insufficient that I'd become a shell of my former self. It wasn't until December that I felt ready to hit the dating scene again. I met some nice guys and one in particular that I really liked, but something always seemed to happen when we tried to get together. I guess the universe was trying to say we really didn't need to hang out because he just stopped texting me altogether. Really mature for a 35 year old, right? I spent a couple of weeks hoping he'd get in touch and, the day after I finally gave up on him, I got a message from this cute guy asking me if I'd like to get lunch or dinner. I'd had plans for the afternoon, but they'd been changed so I was free. We met for pizza and, almost immediately, felt comfortable with each other. There was nervousness for a few minutes, but that was it. We talked and laughed for over 2 hours. It felt like we'd known each other in a previous life or something. He told me he'd messaged me a while before, but recognized me when I came across his matches again so he tried again. There's a reason he did and there's a reason I was available that day. He also said the other women he'd been chatting with either wanted to meet for just a hookup or wanted to chat for 3 weeks before ever meeting in person.

We had hung out at least once a week since meeting and always had a good time. Sex between us is great and I found myself liking him more and more every day. He claimed to feel the same click and we both agreed that it was scary to feel that way about someone so quickly. He even fit in the driver's seat of my car without any adjustments! ;)

About a month ago, he tells me that it's moving too fast for him and he needs to take a step back. That was fine with me, I wasn't further along than he was like he thought, but I gave him space. It only took a week and we were sleeping together again. I was humming right along, picturing myself falling in love with this amazing man and, BAM!, yesterday he emails me that he's still not over his ex girlfriend and isn't sure if he loves her or just isn't over the breakup. Doesn't want it to go further and hurt me, etc, etc. I end up laying in the MRI, crying softly with tears running down my cheeks because I can't wipe them away. I'm not a jealous person, but the mental image of his ex getting to hug and love on him instead of me just makes me SO jealous!! I'm a fool, but I refuse to believe that all the things that clicked to get us together happened for the reason of me getting my heartbroken. After getting screwed over by the previous man, I just can't handle a second time.

I need a fucking break here. Being with Adam is so effortless and relaxed. Life with Brian was exhausting, as was being with Tony. I thought I'd found the perfect person for me, but I guess I was wrong. This is going to take me months to get over...