I've always been a relatively healthy girl and have never had any sort of health scare, not even a pregnancy scare... I'd noticed my right breast increasing in size 2 weeks ago, but I figured it was premenstrual. I made an appt with my NP, just in case, and decided to keep it yesterday. Imagine my shock when she said she found a lump that concerned her. It's 3cm x 3cm and is at about 6 o'clock. She wants me to have an ultrasound, but I don't get ins through my new job for another 10 weeks. It registered, but didn't really register, you know? I told my good friend and she reminded me that I can get an ultrasound through the community clinic I used to work for and it wouldn't cost me much. After that, the possibilities really sunk in and I got so scared. My mom had come over, but left before I could tell her. I was getting ready for bed at almost midnight and couldn't go to bed without telling her. I woke her up and, of course, she was supportive. She gave me a hug and let me cry some and I was able to go to bed a little while later. It's amazing how much just a smidgen of emotional support can help when you're frightened.

I'd texted my BF and told him she'd found a spot she wanted to keep an eye on. I didn't mention the US because I didn't realize I could get one sooner. He took my text to mean that everything was fine and never responded at all. Fast forward to when it really started sinking in and I'm beginning to get really scared. He'd texted me about something else and, all of a sudden, I got so upset that he didn't say anything at all. I told him I just wanted some concern, wasn't mad at him, was terrified, etc, etc and, this morning, he proceeded to tell me I was being a fucking bitch because he couldn't read my mind and tell me what I wanted to hear. Anyone else I know would have had the compassion to at least acknowledge what was going on. He said I was ruining his time with his wife (long story) and to leave him alone and stop bugging him...This was not my intention at all, but now I have a very strong feeling that she's told him he needs to break up with me.

I love him, but I just started a new job and now have a breast lump to worry about and I don't know if I have the energy to fight to keep him. In addition to the lump, my pregnancy test was a big, fucking negative so that didn't help the situation in the least bit...

I got off work an hour ago, I'm starting to get sick, I'm tired, but can't sleep because of the Go Girl I drank to stay awake until 11. I'm really glad I have the next 3 days off.... The BF probably won't be home until Tuesday, but I work all week and don't even know if I'll see him next weekend. FML...