Anxiety

Spent most of the weekend with Brian and it was great until we went to play pool on Saturday night. Something happened and we didn't speak much after that. He did say he was going to the range alone the next day and when he was leaving told me "Don't be here when I get back". I knew he was upset (he claims I Never listen to him, which is bullshit) and needed his space so I went home shortly after he left. He sent me a few texts on Sunday, but didn't return the 2 I sent him yesterday. This morning, I ask how long I'm going to be ignored and he said I obviously didn't get that he needs his space and that my 'bugging him' was pissing him off. I sent him 2 texts and 2 emails (one video he was looking for and one job opening)... I'd hardly call that bugging, esp considering how many times I wanted to text him.

I don't know what to do. I know I should just call time of death, but I can't bring myself to give up and walk away. I still love him, despite everything. Now he's saying he doesn't think we should have a child because he 'doesn't want to deal with me and a kid'. I told him my original plan was to raise my child by myself and that I only want him involved if he wants to. I'm not going to try and force him to be a dad... That's an impossible thing to do.

Unfortunately for me, my physical reaction to anxiety is awful! My stomach is upset and although I'm hungry, I can't usually stomach more than a small amount of anything. My heart goes tachycardic at random times and every time my text tone goes off, my stomach clenches and I get a new wave of rapid pulse. All I want to do is sleep, but my racing heart makes me feel so weird that I can't.

He hasn't said anything definitive about splitting up and I know he would if that were the case. I can handle giving him space, I just wish I didn't physically feel like this! I feel awful and not like myself and I know its not helping my ability to cope. I'm trying to keep busy, but its a gray ugly day and I don't feel like doing anything but wallowing in my anxiety and heartache. I start crying at the most random times too...

In a Funk...

I have no idea why, but I've been in a funk for the last few weeks and I can't do anything to snap myself out of it. Brian said he'd noticed a change in my demeanor and I definitely feel different, I just don't know why...

I'm trying to get pregnant and my first weeks of trying didn't take. I know its early, but it still kind of hurt when Aunt Flo showed up Monday. I'm afraid I've waited too long and won't be able to get pregnant...

I want a normal relationship with a normal man, but I love a bipolar man with PTSD and I can't do anything to change how I feel. He says he loves me, but won't make a sound if I choose to leave him. I don't know how he can profess to love me, but not give a shit if I stay with him or not! I'm not a quitter and the last thing I want to do is walk away from him. We get along so well, normally, and its killing me that we have this kind of tension between us! Why do I love him? He's smart, funny, and gorgeous and I, usually, love spending time with him, despite not being able to hold and kiss him like I want.

All I know is that I want to feel like myself again...

Uh oh...

I was on the phone with my BF last night and said something that didn't need to be said. It violated his #1 rule and he hasn't spoken to me since. I asked him if he can forgive me and my big, fat mouth, but he's not sure he can. I know he's busy on the road and has a lot of other things on his mind (like making a 15 hr drive by tomorrow morning), but I sure hope to hell that I hear from him soon. I'd hate to lose him because I said something I shouldn't have. I may very well be pregnant with his baby already and, although I'm prepared to do so if needed, I don't want to think about raising this baby without him around at least a little bit....

The Past

I dated a guy for about a year and, whenever something went wrong, he dumped me. I didn't let him get away with it most of the time, but have realized now that his doing that has made me assume that my current boyfriend will do the same thing. He's younger than I am and absolutely gorgeous and guys like him don't happen to me. I had a really rough time in hs when it came to guys and that experience has indelibly marked my self esteem. People who see me now see a confident woman, but only a few people know a totally insecure girl lurks just behind that facade and I feel powerless to do anything to banish her! The confident facade has been up for so long now, that its second nature to keep it up. Unfortunately, its all a fucking lie... I need to find a way to exorcise that insecure little twit from my psyche so she stops fucking with my life. Anyone got any suggestions, aside from an actual exorcism, that is??

WTF????

I had come up with a surprise striptease for my BF, one that practically any straight male would enjoy, but after a disagreement, found out he "would have been bored". He got pissed about something else and I decided to call the night a disaster and go home. He then tells me "Guess this is goodbye." and "Go home." and when I ask if he really wants to split, he says "Can't you read. What did I just say?" I take this as a dumping and go back to his apartment for the rest of my shit. I schlep it out to the car, make it home in a completely numb blur, and then receive a text saying he didn't dump me and who ever said that.... I'm still numb, though I've cried some, but now I'm completely fucking confused. Just the other day, we started trying to get my pregnant and he swears his instinct told him I already was. Now he's saying he never mentioned splitting up, but that I jumped to conclusions....

If I am pregnant with his baby, the last thing I want to do is face the specter of raising my child without him around. I was going to do it alone if I used a donor, but I don't want to if I conceive with a flesh and blood person. He had some bad nightmares the other night and something in them foretold of his death in the hazy near future. He talks about 'not being around much longer' in such a cavalier way and it really bothers me for the aforementioned reason...

Big Changes

I have wanted a baby for several years and was planning on using donor sperm if needed. My boyfriend recently offered to father my child, after signing off any financial obligation. I'm fine with that, its what would happen with a donor anyways, but he has said he'll help me as much as he can.

I was going to wait until I got a job, but decided today to finish out my pack of bc pills and let Mother Nature do her thing after that. I'm excited and completely freaked out at the same time! My close friend has my back and will help me in any way she can. Brian will also be involved as much as his schedule allows. I want him to be involved and see the first step our baby takes and hear the first word our child says. He seems to be excited about it and always asks me "What are you going to do when our kid...." questions. His son wasn't planned and his mom won't let Brian take Evan on his own, she always has to be there. I won't do that to him. I, barring a postpartum freak out, have no problem with Brian bonding and hanging out with our baby on his own. I can't wait to come home and see the two of them passed out in the recliner...

Our situation is a bit complicated, seeing as how he's married, but I'm trying not to dwell on that until I absolutely have to. I love Brian and get along with him so well, with the exception of when he's off his meds. I don't know that I'll be able to be "their" girlfriend after Michelle returns, but I'm not going to leave until I give it a shot....

Life's Funny That Way...

I've been with my man for almost 2 months now and I still can't believe our relationship is the way it is. We get along so well, with the exception of a few minor issues, and I'm so glad that fate intervened to bring him into my life! We just spent 4 days and 2,300 miles in his big rig for work and we're still speaking and want to have sex with each other! He's on his way to Seattle and actually wanted me to go with him, even though we'd just spent 4 days together!

My last boyfriend always need some time alone after we'd been together for 2-3 days and I'm still adjusting to being with someone who Wants me around as much as possible. Speaking of the ex, I texted him last night about getting together for lunch (we haven't seen each other since Dec) and he said he wasn't sure. I figured he was concerned about my reaction, but he told me, without elaborating, that he was concerned about his reaction, not mine. Needless to say, that piqued my curiosity immensely and made me wonder what he meant. He'll probably never tell me, but I like to think he realized, after our split, how much he cares about me. That would also explain why he hasn't seemed to have any girlfriends since then...

Back to my hottie trucker, he was first to say "I love you" and my first reaction was to not believe him, but I do now and have reciprocated the sentiment. I hadn't said it in so long, it took some getting used to! I feel amazing when I'm with him and, barring any serious issues, he's going to be the father of my child within the next 12-18 months. I've wanted a baby since I was 25 and didn't get one out of my marriage. When I turned 33, I decided that if I didn't find someone I wanted to have a child with by the time I turned 34, I would use a sperm bank and become a single mother. Much to my surprise and delight, Brian said that he would father my baby.... I was floored at first and it was weird to refer to 'our baby', but now its second nature and we talk about it frequently. He'll ask me 'Are you going to melt if you come in the room and our son is asleep on my chest?' or 'Are you going to let our son suck on your nose?' I'm starting to feel like I did when I first began wanting a baby and it feels incredible! He's smart, funny, and gorgeous and I couldn't think of a better person to father my baby. He is a trucker and can be gone for weeks at a time, so I don't know how its going to work out, but he wants to be involved and I wouldn't want it any other way. If it comes down to his not being around enough, I'll refer to him as 'Uncle Brian' until my child's old enough to understand why. I know its not going to be easy and being a single mom isn't the ideal situation, but I want a baby with every fiber of my being and will deal with whatever comes to have one.