So much has happened since I last blogged! Brian and I moved to Kearney, Nebraska, he proposed 2 months after I got here and I got pregnant that night! I'm now 8 weeks along, give or take, and life is taking a fucking nosedive... Brian says he doesn't love me much anymore and won't support our baby at all. He's not going so far as to kick me out like he said he was last week, but he won't help me out at all. He got a second job because of the baby and ended up working until 1 am, 4 am, and 10 pm for the last three days. I don't know if he needs to adjust his dosage or just needs some sleep, but I know I don't want to lose him, even when he says everything that's fucked up is mostly my fault. I know that's the BP, not him, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep getting verbally abused like this. Tonight, he even threw a step stool down the hall. It only hit the door, but that's the first time I've been even the tiniest bit afraid for my physical safety, especially now that I'm pregnant.

This is supposed to be a magical time in my life and, instead, its just all fucked up and turned on its head. If I could find a job that paid more than $8.50 an goddamn hour, that would help so much. I can pay my bills and half the rent on it, but there isn't much else left for anything. He won't let me forget my past irresponsibility and how much its "costing him now" with my debt and high car insurance. Like I fucking meant to wreck my car and have to pay $200 a month for insurance!! Then he wants to "talk about it" and berate me for my bad choices, like that's going to do any fucking good at all!!!! It's over and done with! Stop beating the dead, fucking horse and move on!! I don't berate him for fucking the bartender when they were in LA and giving me chlamydia!

On top of all this shit, Marivel is no longer my friend because I looked to her for support last week and, apparently, she didn't want to hear about us again because when I told her thanks for the support, she told me I could talk shit about others, but couldn't handle it when others did the same to me. I told her to fuck herself and the horse she rode in on. Stupid bitch. I was fine without her in my life and I'll be fine again.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I keep waiting for that one thing I need to help life go smoother to happen, but I'm getting awfully fucking tired of waiting and I feel so helpless to make my situation any better. I'm going to look for a part time job somewhere. It's the only thing I can do at this point. I'm going to be tired as hell, but that's no fucking different from how I already feel.

Drama and Not

Yesterday my man went through his cyclical, super pissy phase and said he would talk to me next weekend when I got pissed and told him to leave me alone for a little bit. I texted him this morning and told him I was ready to talk if he was, but he just texted back "next weekend". I wasn't going to push it because he never holds out long when he says it'll be a week before I hear from him... Lo and behold, I get a call from him today, ostensibly to ask about which size boxers and socks to get, and we're on the phone for 45 minutes. He proceeded to call me back 3 or 4 times over the course of the day so I know we're on the way back to good.

We're moving to Kearney, Nebraska whether he gets the towing job he applied for or not, its just a matter of when. I want to move before the end of the year so I don't have to renew my Ca pharmacy tech license for $100, but I'm not looking forward to the logistics of the move or moving in the middle of the winter... I'm paring down my clothes, except for my cold weather stuff, and am glad to be making some progress. I'm just so looking forward to starting my life with him, even though our relationship is far from smooth. I love him so much.

And more recently....

My bf came home for almost a week and stayed at my house most of the time :). He took the test for the gas company, but wasn't extended a job offer that day. He said he wanted to give it a couple of months to see what happened and go from their. Well, this last week, he was picking up a load of pumpkins at a farm near Big Springs, Nebraska and got to talking to the owner about the difficulty he has finding drivers with CDLs who are willing to stay in the area. That got Brian to thinking about living a VERY rural life in Big Springs which led to thoughts about growing some crops and having pigs and/or cattle for our own use. That has expanded to several things, but I can't say I'm really against it. I grew up in a very small community and do miss that camaraderie and closeness. He's always wanted to live in a small town, but didn't grow up in one.

Well, today he gets a call from the guy who did the testing offering him a meter reading position (his Dad had to have pulled some strings). He wanted me to make the decision for him and I wish I could help him, but all I could tell him is how I feel and that I support his decision either way. He's got a lot of thinking to do. I don't care where we live (it'll be a lot tighter here in CA), I just want to have a life with the sexy, smart, and funny man I love more than anything.

Recently.

I recently had a very honest and very overdue convo with my man and, much to my dismay, I found that the person I have become very nearly cost me him. He loves the real me, but can't stand who I have become. I have to change and I will, but I'm petrified because I have no idea where to start and I couldn't bear to lose him. He was seriously considering leaving me recently and went so far as to find someone online and spend some time with her. They fooled around a bit and spent the day with her, but he didn't go to the point of sleeping with her because he didn't want to throw away 18 month for someone who seemed perfect on paper. I feel horrible that I'm the reason he almost left me and felt he needed to turn to another woman and I have no way to convey how sorry I am. I'm a complete fuckup. I'm 34 and don't have my shit together. Most people get to fail and fall on their face during their 20s, but I got married at 22 so I don't have the benefit of that earlier experience and its so much more difficult to deal with when it happens in your mid 30s... I feel like a pathetic loser, but I know I have to change and I want to. I will change back to the real me. I will change back to the real me. I will change back to the real me. I HAVE TO CHANGE BACK TO THE REAL ME OR I'M GOING TO LOSE THE MAN I LOVE!!!!

To further complicate issues, he's applying for a job with the gas company because its a good job with room for advancement and he knows I would love to stay in this area even though living here is the last thing he wants to do. I was stunned that I hadn't picked up on his doing this just for me, thereby making me feel like more of a loser. I'm pretty sure he's going to get the job, but am I terrible for not wanting him to? I want to move with him and am willing to move almost anywhere so that he can be happy. I'm trying not to be selfish, but he keeps telling me that if I really wanted to move, I would have done it on my own. The thought of moving on my own and starting over somewhere completely foreign scares the all loving shit out of me. All I want is to be able to start our life together and for him to be happy.

I'm so confused. Scared. Petrified. Excited. Worried.

Why Does It Have to Be Like This?

So, he's been home for the last 2 days and its been great. This morning, he wakes up a complete cranky bastard, going on about my house is making him sick and he's never going to stay here again. He knew he was risking allergies when he opted to stay here the other night. Now, we're sitting in bed, not speaking at all... Yeah for us.

We're done.

Well, the saga is over. I'm pretty sure for good this time. I'm never going to be good enough for him and he's not willing to put his plans on hold to give me time to do what I need to do. I'm crushed because I love him and don't want to lose him, but I'm also partly relieved that I'm off our roller coaster. If anyone has read my previous blogs you know by now we've been here before, but didn't actually split up. I'd like to think this is one of those times, but I have a feeling in my gut that it's for real this time...

Why the hell do I feel this way?

I'm in one of my a few times a year funks and I have no fucking clue as to why. Work has sucked this week and the last thing I want to do in the morning is get up and face life and the world. Struggling is putting my current life in california mildly. I can barely afford the bills I have, have very few options for a higher paying job in my current career, or any other for that matter. The only way I could afford to stay here, where I grew up, is to get a $25/hour job, but that ain't gonna happen. My only chance to get above water at all and try to pay off my debt is to leave this state. Unfortunately, I can't do that by myself and my only chance to do so is with my bipolar boyfriend who says he loves me, yet takes most of his shit out on me too. He's supposed to be home soon, but "isn't sure" if he's even going to stay here at all. Today he tells me he's been thinking of skipping apartment living and getting right into a rv so that what we'd pay for rent can go directly into the rv instead. I made the mistake of telling him I've had a really shitty week and don't feel like thinking about it right now. He tells me "you're always in a shitty mood. Call me when you're not." I said bye and hung up on him so his response is "On second thought, I'll talk to you when I come get my stuff." Fuck him. I'm so damn tired of not knowing how he's going to react in any given second. I really am. I'm ashamed to admit that a part of me is saying "fuck him. I don't deserve to be treated like shit and I deserve someone who loves me all the time, not just when he's having a nice episode." I'm ashamed because on nights like this, when he's been a jerk, and I'm alone, crying, in front of my computer, and absolutely miserable with how my life has turned out, that's the voice I want to listen to. I know I won't, but the temptation calls to me like a siren song called sailors to their watery deaths.

The quandry comes in the form of the amazing man he is when he's between episodes. I love him so much, but saying anything caring is taken like I'm 'mothering' him and he flips. I thought I was a strong enough person to handle his swings, but I don't know if I can do it anymore. I really don't know. Do I want to hitch my wagon to this man for the rest of my life knowing full well what turmoil lays ahead? I'm just not sure right now.

Usually blogging helps me sort out my feelings when I'm feeling conflicted, but it's not helping at all tonight.