And more recently....

My bf came home for almost a week and stayed at my house most of the time :). He took the test for the gas company, but wasn't extended a job offer that day. He said he wanted to give it a couple of months to see what happened and go from their. Well, this last week, he was picking up a load of pumpkins at a farm near Big Springs, Nebraska and got to talking to the owner about the difficulty he has finding drivers with CDLs who are willing to stay in the area. That got Brian to thinking about living a VERY rural life in Big Springs which led to thoughts about growing some crops and having pigs and/or cattle for our own use. That has expanded to several things, but I can't say I'm really against it. I grew up in a very small community and do miss that camaraderie and closeness. He's always wanted to live in a small town, but didn't grow up in one.

Well, today he gets a call from the guy who did the testing offering him a meter reading position (his Dad had to have pulled some strings). He wanted me to make the decision for him and I wish I could help him, but all I could tell him is how I feel and that I support his decision either way. He's got a lot of thinking to do. I don't care where we live (it'll be a lot tighter here in CA), I just want to have a life with the sexy, smart, and funny man I love more than anything.

Recently.

I recently had a very honest and very overdue convo with my man and, much to my dismay, I found that the person I have become very nearly cost me him. He loves the real me, but can't stand who I have become. I have to change and I will, but I'm petrified because I have no idea where to start and I couldn't bear to lose him. He was seriously considering leaving me recently and went so far as to find someone online and spend some time with her. They fooled around a bit and spent the day with her, but he didn't go to the point of sleeping with her because he didn't want to throw away 18 month for someone who seemed perfect on paper. I feel horrible that I'm the reason he almost left me and felt he needed to turn to another woman and I have no way to convey how sorry I am. I'm a complete fuckup. I'm 34 and don't have my shit together. Most people get to fail and fall on their face during their 20s, but I got married at 22 so I don't have the benefit of that earlier experience and its so much more difficult to deal with when it happens in your mid 30s... I feel like a pathetic loser, but I know I have to change and I want to. I will change back to the real me. I will change back to the real me. I will change back to the real me. I HAVE TO CHANGE BACK TO THE REAL ME OR I'M GOING TO LOSE THE MAN I LOVE!!!!

To further complicate issues, he's applying for a job with the gas company because its a good job with room for advancement and he knows I would love to stay in this area even though living here is the last thing he wants to do. I was stunned that I hadn't picked up on his doing this just for me, thereby making me feel like more of a loser. I'm pretty sure he's going to get the job, but am I terrible for not wanting him to? I want to move with him and am willing to move almost anywhere so that he can be happy. I'm trying not to be selfish, but he keeps telling me that if I really wanted to move, I would have done it on my own. The thought of moving on my own and starting over somewhere completely foreign scares the all loving shit out of me. All I want is to be able to start our life together and for him to be happy.

I'm so confused. Scared. Petrified. Excited. Worried.

Why Does It Have to Be Like This?

So, he's been home for the last 2 days and its been great. This morning, he wakes up a complete cranky bastard, going on about my house is making him sick and he's never going to stay here again. He knew he was risking allergies when he opted to stay here the other night. Now, we're sitting in bed, not speaking at all... Yeah for us.

We're done.

Well, the saga is over. I'm pretty sure for good this time. I'm never going to be good enough for him and he's not willing to put his plans on hold to give me time to do what I need to do. I'm crushed because I love him and don't want to lose him, but I'm also partly relieved that I'm off our roller coaster. If anyone has read my previous blogs you know by now we've been here before, but didn't actually split up. I'd like to think this is one of those times, but I have a feeling in my gut that it's for real this time...

Why the hell do I feel this way?

I'm in one of my a few times a year funks and I have no fucking clue as to why. Work has sucked this week and the last thing I want to do in the morning is get up and face life and the world. Struggling is putting my current life in california mildly. I can barely afford the bills I have, have very few options for a higher paying job in my current career, or any other for that matter. The only way I could afford to stay here, where I grew up, is to get a $25/hour job, but that ain't gonna happen. My only chance to get above water at all and try to pay off my debt is to leave this state. Unfortunately, I can't do that by myself and my only chance to do so is with my bipolar boyfriend who says he loves me, yet takes most of his shit out on me too. He's supposed to be home soon, but "isn't sure" if he's even going to stay here at all. Today he tells me he's been thinking of skipping apartment living and getting right into a rv so that what we'd pay for rent can go directly into the rv instead. I made the mistake of telling him I've had a really shitty week and don't feel like thinking about it right now. He tells me "you're always in a shitty mood. Call me when you're not." I said bye and hung up on him so his response is "On second thought, I'll talk to you when I come get my stuff." Fuck him. I'm so damn tired of not knowing how he's going to react in any given second. I really am. I'm ashamed to admit that a part of me is saying "fuck him. I don't deserve to be treated like shit and I deserve someone who loves me all the time, not just when he's having a nice episode." I'm ashamed because on nights like this, when he's been a jerk, and I'm alone, crying, in front of my computer, and absolutely miserable with how my life has turned out, that's the voice I want to listen to. I know I won't, but the temptation calls to me like a siren song called sailors to their watery deaths.

The quandry comes in the form of the amazing man he is when he's between episodes. I love him so much, but saying anything caring is taken like I'm 'mothering' him and he flips. I thought I was a strong enough person to handle his swings, but I don't know if I can do it anymore. I really don't know. Do I want to hitch my wagon to this man for the rest of my life knowing full well what turmoil lays ahead? I'm just not sure right now.

Usually blogging helps me sort out my feelings when I'm feeling conflicted, but it's not helping at all tonight.

The Hardest Decision I've EVER Been Asked to Make

My guy and I were back to our normal yesterday and were doing well until this morning when we started talking about our impending future and what we both want out of it. Long story short, he is now dead set against having a child while I've wanted to be a mom since I was 25. If I'm to stay with him, I'll have to go back on birth control if I ever want to have sex with him again. We've been having unprotected sex for the last 10 months and nothing has happened yet. I'm beginning to think I'm not able to get pregnant...

So, do I stay with the man I love and, possibly, forgo my dreams of ever becoming a mom or do I forsake the one I love for something that I may not be capable of? This is the conundrum in which I find myself... I was having a rough day at work and told him I couldn't let go of the chance to be a mom, which I later was able to reverse, pleading bad circumstances for that kind of decision making. Before the redaction, he said his heart was crushed and that about killed me. The last thing I want to do is hurt him like that. But do I want to live the rest of my life hurting because I never had children? I wish there was some damn way we could both get what we want. Damnit!! My only hope is that, being the somewhat mercurial man he is, he'll change his mind down the line. But that's not guaranteed to happen and once again I'll be the one sacrificing.

I can't really talk to anyone about this, but God do I wish my Daddy was here! He'd at least let me cry it all out on his chest and tell me it will work out somehow. My mom doesn't want to hear it and, again, I can't burden my friends with this. I know they'll all tell me that being a mom is the choice I need to make.

I'm so damned confused. The next few days and/or weeks are going to be so difficult.

I just don't know what to do.

The other day my guy got upset about something minor (in true beeper style) and said he wasn't going to talk to me for 4 weeks. He's done this before, but always ends up talking to me after a few days so I emailed him and told him I missed him. He then restarted my 4 week clock this morning. I told him if that was the case he was just being a jerk and couldn't blame it on his bipolar. He then went off the rails and said he wants his stuff packed up so he can get it sent to Nebraska. Again, he's said this before, but its never come to fruition.

I just don't know if it will this time and I'm so afraid I'm going to lose him. I love him so much and he's so amazing when he's not having a beeper episode. We've talked about growing old together, whether or not we get married, and we were planning to move to Nebraska together later this year. He always says things about teaching our son to scare Momma with a firecracker in the bathroom and asks if my heart will melt when I walk in and see the two of them crashed on the couch. I'm not sure any of  that's happening now and the uncertainty of not knowing has my stomach in knots. I can't eat much and know I'm going to lose more weight if I don't start soon. I'm already down to my high school weight and don't really want to drop anymore.

I did choose to be with him, despite the crap that comes with loving a beeper, so I guess I don't have anyone to blame by myself. That's part of the reason I don't tell my friends about everything that goes on between us. I know they won't understand why I just don't leave him for someone without a mental health issue. One friend, who has become a close friend in the last year, is very familiar with living with a beeper as her mom had it quite badly. I can unload on her and I know she'll understand, but I still feel bad talking solely about the crap I'm going through with him.

I've checked out bipolar support groups, but I can't seem to find what I really need. Not that I know what I really need. My mom doesn't want to hear about him at all, good or bad, and I don't want to tell my brother. I have my dad, but once again, I don't like to unduly burden people with my relationship shit. That is why I write this blog, though I'm sure no one actually reads it. It helps me to unload without having to burden anyone with crap they've already heard time and time again.

I'm not a quitter and I don't want to walk away from him. He's been left more than once and I know he's very afraid of it happening again, though he'll never admit it. I'm a strong enough person to handle his swings, which I don't think the other women were, but it'll kill me not getting a chance to find out what kind of life we could have. I want to have his children. I want our daughter or son to have my eyes and his full lips, my love of reading and his 'I can figure anything out mind'. At this point, I don't even know if I can have children at all, let alone more than one.

All I can do at this point is ride it out and see what his next move is. I'm not good at waiting, though being with him has made me more so than I used to be.