Oh Joy is My Life...

Well, Brian and I almost split for good recently. I went so far as to contact my parents about driving out to Nebraska to pack me and my stuff back to California. Brian started talking about selling all his stuff so it would be less for someone to deal with and how once he leaves, I'll never see him again and that I'll get a phone call and just hear a gunshot. The next morning, he tells me he doesn't want me to leave because he's scared about what he'll do if he's alone. He also said he doesn't want to throw away 2 years and start over, nor does he want to have 2 kids with 2 women and not be with either of them. He did say that he still loves me and had lied when he said that he stopped loving me a few weeks before. He also admitted that he realized he needs professional psychiatric help because he doesn't like how his bipolar makes him feel or act, but he doesn't like how his medication makes him feel either. I applaud him wanting to take steps to get better, but I know the next year or so is going to be so difficult to get through. He's already stopped his medication because of the side effects and, though he feels better without it, he's been really difficult in the last few weeks.

We talked a lot the day after everything happened and we both agreed to put past bad decisions behind us and start over to move forward from here, but I don't know that I shouldn't have gone back to California. I love him more than anything and always will, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to stand by him while he gets treatment. He said I was the first person who remained a stable presence in his life and didn't run at the first signs of trouble. I've always known I am and that's a huge part of the reason why I never left when he brought it up before. I think my beginning the arrangements to leave made him realize that it was real this time. Did that scare him? I don't know.

I just got back from a 9 day trip home for a visit and baby shower and being in my old room and my old house felt somewhat foreign to me. I loved getting to see everyone I saw and Marley was ecstatic that I was home (she gave me the most awful sad dog face when I left), but I felt myself looking forward to going "home".

Now, I'm home, my car is getting picked up tomorrow, and I've been taken off Brian's insurance as an authorized driver so I have no way to get anywhere. Luckily, a coworker is going to pick me up and drop me off for work, but I'll have to walk over to the grocery store if I need anything when Brian's not here. Today he tells me I'll have to get my own car and insurance if I want to be able to get anywhere. I won't be working after the end of October and have applied for some state aid, but I have no idea how much, if any, I'll get.

I don't know what time is going to bring, besides my beautiful baby boy, but I know I've got to be strong for Ian and be the best mom I can be to him. I just hope I can live up to what he needs because I feel like a total failure otherwise. I'm 35, working for just more than minimum wage, and have NOTHING to my name. Not exactly where I thought my life would be...

This is My Conundrum...

Fast forward 3 months. We've moved from Kearney to Plattsmouth. I'm now 5 1/2 months pregnant with my first child, a boy. I was engaged to his dad, but somehow picking up a ring he "regrets buying for me" devolved into my having 2 weeks to find another place to live or move back to California so I can "raise him around family and get help with day care" in a state with high prices and double digit unemployment...

Ever since I got pregnant in February (on the weekend he proposed) and found out in March, he's not hesitated to tell me how he didn't want a kid and how I've now ruined his life and all the plans he had, like becoming a competitive long distance shooter (yeah, that was gonna happen), etc, etc. Then he goes back to trucking so he "support his family" and we move to a small town south of Omaha so he can live closer to the yard, be home more often, and we can be safe. Then he goes on and on about how he wants to blow on the belly and teach our boy how to play pranks on Mama. Today, after the ring debacle, he says he just wanted to know what style and look I liked so that he could buy one from a friend back home to give to me when we got married at the courthouse, but that now he has no intention of ever buying me a ring, ever and that he doesn't want to be with me and we're just cohabitating to raise our son. This was right before he said I should never have moved to Nebraska in the first place and that he'll pay for me to move back to Cali or I have to move out.

I still love him and have lost a close friend because I won't leave him and she got tired of hearing about what was going on with us. Now I have no one to talk to at all. I won't burden my friends with this and I can't talk to my parents about it. I'm in a shitty, shitty position and have no one to go to, except here...

His mom told me the other day that she and his dad have grown to love me and that it will break their hearts if I "go away". I would never keep our son from his grandparents, but I want him to have his dad in his life too. I'm hoping against hope that this is just the effects of a bipolar episode and that he'll be back to his normal soon. I don't want to lose the man I love and the father of my child, but I also want to be able to take care of our son on my own if I have to and I'm scared to death that I won't be able to. I can't seem to stop crying for more than a few minutes and I feel so scared and alone.

I'm applying for any damn job that I'm remotely qualified for and have 2 interviews this week and next. I just applied for a couple more tonight so we'll see what happens. There are a lot more job opportunities around Omaha, but I don't know if I'll make enough for rent, bills, baby stuff, etc. If I moved back home, the only thing I would have for sure is my car and a place to live. Finding a job would be hellish and even if I did, chances are it would be worse than before because I have a child to pay for too.

This is my conundrum....

So much has happened since I last blogged! Brian and I moved to Kearney, Nebraska, he proposed 2 months after I got here and I got pregnant that night! I'm now 8 weeks along, give or take, and life is taking a fucking nosedive... Brian says he doesn't love me much anymore and won't support our baby at all. He's not going so far as to kick me out like he said he was last week, but he won't help me out at all. He got a second job because of the baby and ended up working until 1 am, 4 am, and 10 pm for the last three days. I don't know if he needs to adjust his dosage or just needs some sleep, but I know I don't want to lose him, even when he says everything that's fucked up is mostly my fault. I know that's the BP, not him, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep getting verbally abused like this. Tonight, he even threw a step stool down the hall. It only hit the door, but that's the first time I've been even the tiniest bit afraid for my physical safety, especially now that I'm pregnant.

This is supposed to be a magical time in my life and, instead, its just all fucked up and turned on its head. If I could find a job that paid more than $8.50 an goddamn hour, that would help so much. I can pay my bills and half the rent on it, but there isn't much else left for anything. He won't let me forget my past irresponsibility and how much its "costing him now" with my debt and high car insurance. Like I fucking meant to wreck my car and have to pay $200 a month for insurance!! Then he wants to "talk about it" and berate me for my bad choices, like that's going to do any fucking good at all!!!! It's over and done with! Stop beating the dead, fucking horse and move on!! I don't berate him for fucking the bartender when they were in LA and giving me chlamydia!

On top of all this shit, Marivel is no longer my friend because I looked to her for support last week and, apparently, she didn't want to hear about us again because when I told her thanks for the support, she told me I could talk shit about others, but couldn't handle it when others did the same to me. I told her to fuck herself and the horse she rode in on. Stupid bitch. I was fine without her in my life and I'll be fine again.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I keep waiting for that one thing I need to help life go smoother to happen, but I'm getting awfully fucking tired of waiting and I feel so helpless to make my situation any better. I'm going to look for a part time job somewhere. It's the only thing I can do at this point. I'm going to be tired as hell, but that's no fucking different from how I already feel.

Drama and Not

Yesterday my man went through his cyclical, super pissy phase and said he would talk to me next weekend when I got pissed and told him to leave me alone for a little bit. I texted him this morning and told him I was ready to talk if he was, but he just texted back "next weekend". I wasn't going to push it because he never holds out long when he says it'll be a week before I hear from him... Lo and behold, I get a call from him today, ostensibly to ask about which size boxers and socks to get, and we're on the phone for 45 minutes. He proceeded to call me back 3 or 4 times over the course of the day so I know we're on the way back to good.

We're moving to Kearney, Nebraska whether he gets the towing job he applied for or not, its just a matter of when. I want to move before the end of the year so I don't have to renew my Ca pharmacy tech license for $100, but I'm not looking forward to the logistics of the move or moving in the middle of the winter... I'm paring down my clothes, except for my cold weather stuff, and am glad to be making some progress. I'm just so looking forward to starting my life with him, even though our relationship is far from smooth. I love him so much.

And more recently....

My bf came home for almost a week and stayed at my house most of the time :). He took the test for the gas company, but wasn't extended a job offer that day. He said he wanted to give it a couple of months to see what happened and go from their. Well, this last week, he was picking up a load of pumpkins at a farm near Big Springs, Nebraska and got to talking to the owner about the difficulty he has finding drivers with CDLs who are willing to stay in the area. That got Brian to thinking about living a VERY rural life in Big Springs which led to thoughts about growing some crops and having pigs and/or cattle for our own use. That has expanded to several things, but I can't say I'm really against it. I grew up in a very small community and do miss that camaraderie and closeness. He's always wanted to live in a small town, but didn't grow up in one.

Well, today he gets a call from the guy who did the testing offering him a meter reading position (his Dad had to have pulled some strings). He wanted me to make the decision for him and I wish I could help him, but all I could tell him is how I feel and that I support his decision either way. He's got a lot of thinking to do. I don't care where we live (it'll be a lot tighter here in CA), I just want to have a life with the sexy, smart, and funny man I love more than anything.

Recently.

I recently had a very honest and very overdue convo with my man and, much to my dismay, I found that the person I have become very nearly cost me him. He loves the real me, but can't stand who I have become. I have to change and I will, but I'm petrified because I have no idea where to start and I couldn't bear to lose him. He was seriously considering leaving me recently and went so far as to find someone online and spend some time with her. They fooled around a bit and spent the day with her, but he didn't go to the point of sleeping with her because he didn't want to throw away 18 month for someone who seemed perfect on paper. I feel horrible that I'm the reason he almost left me and felt he needed to turn to another woman and I have no way to convey how sorry I am. I'm a complete fuckup. I'm 34 and don't have my shit together. Most people get to fail and fall on their face during their 20s, but I got married at 22 so I don't have the benefit of that earlier experience and its so much more difficult to deal with when it happens in your mid 30s... I feel like a pathetic loser, but I know I have to change and I want to. I will change back to the real me. I will change back to the real me. I will change back to the real me. I HAVE TO CHANGE BACK TO THE REAL ME OR I'M GOING TO LOSE THE MAN I LOVE!!!!

To further complicate issues, he's applying for a job with the gas company because its a good job with room for advancement and he knows I would love to stay in this area even though living here is the last thing he wants to do. I was stunned that I hadn't picked up on his doing this just for me, thereby making me feel like more of a loser. I'm pretty sure he's going to get the job, but am I terrible for not wanting him to? I want to move with him and am willing to move almost anywhere so that he can be happy. I'm trying not to be selfish, but he keeps telling me that if I really wanted to move, I would have done it on my own. The thought of moving on my own and starting over somewhere completely foreign scares the all loving shit out of me. All I want is to be able to start our life together and for him to be happy.

I'm so confused. Scared. Petrified. Excited. Worried.

Why Does It Have to Be Like This?

So, he's been home for the last 2 days and its been great. This morning, he wakes up a complete cranky bastard, going on about my house is making him sick and he's never going to stay here again. He knew he was risking allergies when he opted to stay here the other night. Now, we're sitting in bed, not speaking at all... Yeah for us.