Here I Sit...

On December 23rd, 2 days prior to Christmas and 3 prior to my birthday, and I can't find it within myself to give even the teensiest, tiniest crap about it. I'm not sure why, but I certainly don't like feeling this way. I used to love these 2 days and would get so excited months in advance. Last year and this year I don't give a flying fuck. I know part of it is because I'm fucking broke and a bigger part of it is because I'm turning 34 and am still not pregnant. All I want is to be a mom and I'm afraid it's never going to happen.

My man and I got in an argument last weekend and have since made up, somewhat, but now he's saying he'll "see me next month" and "talk to me on the 25th". What the fuck is that? Who says they love someone and then pulls that kind of shit? Who the FUCK does that??? As frustrated as he makes me, I still love him and that drives me even more crazy!

I think I'm just going to get ready for bed and cry my eyes out cuz I can't think of anything else to do right now... Pity Party for One, coming up.

I've always been a relatively healthy girl and have never had any sort of health scare, not even a pregnancy scare... I'd noticed my right breast increasing in size 2 weeks ago, but I figured it was premenstrual. I made an appt with my NP, just in case, and decided to keep it yesterday. Imagine my shock when she said she found a lump that concerned her. It's 3cm x 3cm and is at about 6 o'clock. She wants me to have an ultrasound, but I don't get ins through my new job for another 10 weeks. It registered, but didn't really register, you know? I told my good friend and she reminded me that I can get an ultrasound through the community clinic I used to work for and it wouldn't cost me much. After that, the possibilities really sunk in and I got so scared. My mom had come over, but left before I could tell her. I was getting ready for bed at almost midnight and couldn't go to bed without telling her. I woke her up and, of course, she was supportive. She gave me a hug and let me cry some and I was able to go to bed a little while later. It's amazing how much just a smidgen of emotional support can help when you're frightened.

I'd texted my BF and told him she'd found a spot she wanted to keep an eye on. I didn't mention the US because I didn't realize I could get one sooner. He took my text to mean that everything was fine and never responded at all. Fast forward to when it really started sinking in and I'm beginning to get really scared. He'd texted me about something else and, all of a sudden, I got so upset that he didn't say anything at all. I told him I just wanted some concern, wasn't mad at him, was terrified, etc, etc and, this morning, he proceeded to tell me I was being a fucking bitch because he couldn't read my mind and tell me what I wanted to hear. Anyone else I know would have had the compassion to at least acknowledge what was going on. He said I was ruining his time with his wife (long story) and to leave him alone and stop bugging him...This was not my intention at all, but now I have a very strong feeling that she's told him he needs to break up with me.

I love him, but I just started a new job and now have a breast lump to worry about and I don't know if I have the energy to fight to keep him. In addition to the lump, my pregnancy test was a big, fucking negative so that didn't help the situation in the least bit...

I got off work an hour ago, I'm starting to get sick, I'm tired, but can't sleep because of the Go Girl I drank to stay awake until 11. I'm really glad I have the next 3 days off.... The BF probably won't be home until Tuesday, but I work all week and don't even know if I'll see him next weekend. FML...

Anxiety

Spent most of the weekend with Brian and it was great until we went to play pool on Saturday night. Something happened and we didn't speak much after that. He did say he was going to the range alone the next day and when he was leaving told me "Don't be here when I get back". I knew he was upset (he claims I Never listen to him, which is bullshit) and needed his space so I went home shortly after he left. He sent me a few texts on Sunday, but didn't return the 2 I sent him yesterday. This morning, I ask how long I'm going to be ignored and he said I obviously didn't get that he needs his space and that my 'bugging him' was pissing him off. I sent him 2 texts and 2 emails (one video he was looking for and one job opening)... I'd hardly call that bugging, esp considering how many times I wanted to text him.

I don't know what to do. I know I should just call time of death, but I can't bring myself to give up and walk away. I still love him, despite everything. Now he's saying he doesn't think we should have a child because he 'doesn't want to deal with me and a kid'. I told him my original plan was to raise my child by myself and that I only want him involved if he wants to. I'm not going to try and force him to be a dad... That's an impossible thing to do.

Unfortunately for me, my physical reaction to anxiety is awful! My stomach is upset and although I'm hungry, I can't usually stomach more than a small amount of anything. My heart goes tachycardic at random times and every time my text tone goes off, my stomach clenches and I get a new wave of rapid pulse. All I want to do is sleep, but my racing heart makes me feel so weird that I can't.

He hasn't said anything definitive about splitting up and I know he would if that were the case. I can handle giving him space, I just wish I didn't physically feel like this! I feel awful and not like myself and I know its not helping my ability to cope. I'm trying to keep busy, but its a gray ugly day and I don't feel like doing anything but wallowing in my anxiety and heartache. I start crying at the most random times too...

In a Funk...

I have no idea why, but I've been in a funk for the last few weeks and I can't do anything to snap myself out of it. Brian said he'd noticed a change in my demeanor and I definitely feel different, I just don't know why...

I'm trying to get pregnant and my first weeks of trying didn't take. I know its early, but it still kind of hurt when Aunt Flo showed up Monday. I'm afraid I've waited too long and won't be able to get pregnant...

I want a normal relationship with a normal man, but I love a bipolar man with PTSD and I can't do anything to change how I feel. He says he loves me, but won't make a sound if I choose to leave him. I don't know how he can profess to love me, but not give a shit if I stay with him or not! I'm not a quitter and the last thing I want to do is walk away from him. We get along so well, normally, and its killing me that we have this kind of tension between us! Why do I love him? He's smart, funny, and gorgeous and I, usually, love spending time with him, despite not being able to hold and kiss him like I want.

All I know is that I want to feel like myself again...

Uh oh...

I was on the phone with my BF last night and said something that didn't need to be said. It violated his #1 rule and he hasn't spoken to me since. I asked him if he can forgive me and my big, fat mouth, but he's not sure he can. I know he's busy on the road and has a lot of other things on his mind (like making a 15 hr drive by tomorrow morning), but I sure hope to hell that I hear from him soon. I'd hate to lose him because I said something I shouldn't have. I may very well be pregnant with his baby already and, although I'm prepared to do so if needed, I don't want to think about raising this baby without him around at least a little bit....

The Past

I dated a guy for about a year and, whenever something went wrong, he dumped me. I didn't let him get away with it most of the time, but have realized now that his doing that has made me assume that my current boyfriend will do the same thing. He's younger than I am and absolutely gorgeous and guys like him don't happen to me. I had a really rough time in hs when it came to guys and that experience has indelibly marked my self esteem. People who see me now see a confident woman, but only a few people know a totally insecure girl lurks just behind that facade and I feel powerless to do anything to banish her! The confident facade has been up for so long now, that its second nature to keep it up. Unfortunately, its all a fucking lie... I need to find a way to exorcise that insecure little twit from my psyche so she stops fucking with my life. Anyone got any suggestions, aside from an actual exorcism, that is??

WTF????

I had come up with a surprise striptease for my BF, one that practically any straight male would enjoy, but after a disagreement, found out he "would have been bored". He got pissed about something else and I decided to call the night a disaster and go home. He then tells me "Guess this is goodbye." and "Go home." and when I ask if he really wants to split, he says "Can't you read. What did I just say?" I take this as a dumping and go back to his apartment for the rest of my shit. I schlep it out to the car, make it home in a completely numb blur, and then receive a text saying he didn't dump me and who ever said that.... I'm still numb, though I've cried some, but now I'm completely fucking confused. Just the other day, we started trying to get my pregnant and he swears his instinct told him I already was. Now he's saying he never mentioned splitting up, but that I jumped to conclusions....

If I am pregnant with his baby, the last thing I want to do is face the specter of raising my child without him around. I was going to do it alone if I used a donor, but I don't want to if I conceive with a flesh and blood person. He had some bad nightmares the other night and something in them foretold of his death in the hazy near future. He talks about 'not being around much longer' in such a cavalier way and it really bothers me for the aforementioned reason...