We're done.

Well, the saga is over. I'm pretty sure for good this time. I'm never going to be good enough for him and he's not willing to put his plans on hold to give me time to do what I need to do. I'm crushed because I love him and don't want to lose him, but I'm also partly relieved that I'm off our roller coaster. If anyone has read my previous blogs you know by now we've been here before, but didn't actually split up. I'd like to think this is one of those times, but I have a feeling in my gut that it's for real this time...

Why the hell do I feel this way?

I'm in one of my a few times a year funks and I have no fucking clue as to why. Work has sucked this week and the last thing I want to do in the morning is get up and face life and the world. Struggling is putting my current life in california mildly. I can barely afford the bills I have, have very few options for a higher paying job in my current career, or any other for that matter. The only way I could afford to stay here, where I grew up, is to get a $25/hour job, but that ain't gonna happen. My only chance to get above water at all and try to pay off my debt is to leave this state. Unfortunately, I can't do that by myself and my only chance to do so is with my bipolar boyfriend who says he loves me, yet takes most of his shit out on me too. He's supposed to be home soon, but "isn't sure" if he's even going to stay here at all. Today he tells me he's been thinking of skipping apartment living and getting right into a rv so that what we'd pay for rent can go directly into the rv instead. I made the mistake of telling him I've had a really shitty week and don't feel like thinking about it right now. He tells me "you're always in a shitty mood. Call me when you're not." I said bye and hung up on him so his response is "On second thought, I'll talk to you when I come get my stuff." Fuck him. I'm so damn tired of not knowing how he's going to react in any given second. I really am. I'm ashamed to admit that a part of me is saying "fuck him. I don't deserve to be treated like shit and I deserve someone who loves me all the time, not just when he's having a nice episode." I'm ashamed because on nights like this, when he's been a jerk, and I'm alone, crying, in front of my computer, and absolutely miserable with how my life has turned out, that's the voice I want to listen to. I know I won't, but the temptation calls to me like a siren song called sailors to their watery deaths.

The quandry comes in the form of the amazing man he is when he's between episodes. I love him so much, but saying anything caring is taken like I'm 'mothering' him and he flips. I thought I was a strong enough person to handle his swings, but I don't know if I can do it anymore. I really don't know. Do I want to hitch my wagon to this man for the rest of my life knowing full well what turmoil lays ahead? I'm just not sure right now.

Usually blogging helps me sort out my feelings when I'm feeling conflicted, but it's not helping at all tonight.

The Hardest Decision I've EVER Been Asked to Make

My guy and I were back to our normal yesterday and were doing well until this morning when we started talking about our impending future and what we both want out of it. Long story short, he is now dead set against having a child while I've wanted to be a mom since I was 25. If I'm to stay with him, I'll have to go back on birth control if I ever want to have sex with him again. We've been having unprotected sex for the last 10 months and nothing has happened yet. I'm beginning to think I'm not able to get pregnant...

So, do I stay with the man I love and, possibly, forgo my dreams of ever becoming a mom or do I forsake the one I love for something that I may not be capable of? This is the conundrum in which I find myself... I was having a rough day at work and told him I couldn't let go of the chance to be a mom, which I later was able to reverse, pleading bad circumstances for that kind of decision making. Before the redaction, he said his heart was crushed and that about killed me. The last thing I want to do is hurt him like that. But do I want to live the rest of my life hurting because I never had children? I wish there was some damn way we could both get what we want. Damnit!! My only hope is that, being the somewhat mercurial man he is, he'll change his mind down the line. But that's not guaranteed to happen and once again I'll be the one sacrificing.

I can't really talk to anyone about this, but God do I wish my Daddy was here! He'd at least let me cry it all out on his chest and tell me it will work out somehow. My mom doesn't want to hear it and, again, I can't burden my friends with this. I know they'll all tell me that being a mom is the choice I need to make.

I'm so damned confused. The next few days and/or weeks are going to be so difficult.

I just don't know what to do.

The other day my guy got upset about something minor (in true beeper style) and said he wasn't going to talk to me for 4 weeks. He's done this before, but always ends up talking to me after a few days so I emailed him and told him I missed him. He then restarted my 4 week clock this morning. I told him if that was the case he was just being a jerk and couldn't blame it on his bipolar. He then went off the rails and said he wants his stuff packed up so he can get it sent to Nebraska. Again, he's said this before, but its never come to fruition.

I just don't know if it will this time and I'm so afraid I'm going to lose him. I love him so much and he's so amazing when he's not having a beeper episode. We've talked about growing old together, whether or not we get married, and we were planning to move to Nebraska together later this year. He always says things about teaching our son to scare Momma with a firecracker in the bathroom and asks if my heart will melt when I walk in and see the two of them crashed on the couch. I'm not sure any of  that's happening now and the uncertainty of not knowing has my stomach in knots. I can't eat much and know I'm going to lose more weight if I don't start soon. I'm already down to my high school weight and don't really want to drop anymore.

I did choose to be with him, despite the crap that comes with loving a beeper, so I guess I don't have anyone to blame by myself. That's part of the reason I don't tell my friends about everything that goes on between us. I know they won't understand why I just don't leave him for someone without a mental health issue. One friend, who has become a close friend in the last year, is very familiar with living with a beeper as her mom had it quite badly. I can unload on her and I know she'll understand, but I still feel bad talking solely about the crap I'm going through with him.

I've checked out bipolar support groups, but I can't seem to find what I really need. Not that I know what I really need. My mom doesn't want to hear about him at all, good or bad, and I don't want to tell my brother. I have my dad, but once again, I don't like to unduly burden people with my relationship shit. That is why I write this blog, though I'm sure no one actually reads it. It helps me to unload without having to burden anyone with crap they've already heard time and time again.

I'm not a quitter and I don't want to walk away from him. He's been left more than once and I know he's very afraid of it happening again, though he'll never admit it. I'm a strong enough person to handle his swings, which I don't think the other women were, but it'll kill me not getting a chance to find out what kind of life we could have. I want to have his children. I want our daughter or son to have my eyes and his full lips, my love of reading and his 'I can figure anything out mind'. At this point, I don't even know if I can have children at all, let alone more than one.

All I can do at this point is ride it out and see what his next move is. I'm not good at waiting, though being with him has made me more so than I used to be.

Life in Flux...

So many things have happened since I last blogged. It's gotten serious with my guy and he's told me, on several occasions, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me... I was a bit shocked the first time he told me that, but have gotten over it and am looking forward to growing old with him.

I've also met his parents and liked both of them. They did, however, find out about our situation and decided a few weeks ago that they weren't comfortable with my being around them until his divorce is finalized. That hurt to hear, but I know they feel very strongly about the sanctity of marriage and can't fault them for their feelings. He then told them, "I'm standing with Erika and if you're against her, you're against me." He moved the majority of the rest of his stuff to my house and stayed with me the entire 2 weeks he was just home. He told me that he "thinks my family is going to be his family." He's already started talking to them a bit and they've already said they will welcome me back once his divorce is finalized...

Unbeknownst to them, we're planning on moving to Nebraska later this year. He just got into his new truck with a great company based in Omaha. They are quite small and run only 500 trucks. I think he'll be much happier with this kind of company, plus he's making quite a bit more per mile than he was previously. Our thought is that he'll have much more home time if we lived in NE, as opposed to staying in CA. I've also never lived far from my family and need to spread my wings and see more of this country. I'm excited for the adventure, but the logistics of moving are daunting, at best, and it's going to be a big undertaking. We've discussed living there for a few years and, eventually, moving back to CA. He knows family is important to me and I want our kids to have easier access to all their grandparents, especially when they get a bit older. Who knows, I might become preggers while we're there. The thought of not having anyone near by when I have an infant is scary, but he says everyone he's met is super friendly so I'm sure I won't have difficulty finding a support system there. It's going to be so hard for me to leave my puppies though. When we first talked about moving, I couldn't look at my dogs without bawling... I'm getting better now, but am still concerned about what I'm going to do with them. I can't have them there until we have a house with a yard, but I have no way of knowing how long that's going to be. Also, my brother is taking the Air Force entrance exam on Monday and could be going to boot camp shortly thereafter. Where will he be stationed? What will happen to our 3 dogs? My parents can't handle six dogs... Who am I going to find to rent the house? So many questions would be running through my head if I let myself think about it...

It's now been a week....

Since my guy's wife told him she wanted a divorce. He's feeling pretty indifferent about her being gone, but he's pissed she wouldn't even give them a chance to try and fix what was broken. He's realized that he's a lot better off now, even if his financial situation is tenuous at best. His ex was in contact with his mom and was sending her bits and pieces of emails he'd sent her. His mom asked her to forward the emails, in their entirety, and realized how wrong she was in supporting his ex and wanting them to work it out. She called him this morning and told him she was sorry for ever doubting him and that she believed him about his exes behavior. She wants nothing more to do with the ex, ever...

He hasn't come out and told his mom what my real role in his life is, but she's known him long enough to get a pretty good idea of where I fit in. He's going to wait a few months and then tell them how important I've become to him. Mom's probably gonna say, "Duh. Did you think I wouldn't figure it out?" She's told him she just wants him to settle down with a good woman and be done with it. I think he already has Mom...

He posed the question to me last night, "What do you think my mom'll say when we get married?" I didn't even contemplate the question before saying she'd just shake her head and say, "B..., B...., B....." He knows she's going to like me when we finally meet... I sure hope he's right cuz I couldn't stand my former mother in law!

A New Chapter?

I don't know if anyone has even read this blog, but I wanted to update with some big news. If you've read this, you know my boyfriend happens to be betrothed to someone who isn't me. They married after only being together for 2 months, most likely, as a reaction to her impending deployment. She left for pre-deployment training shortly thereafter and went directly to deployment following that. Thus, she has been gone for the first year plus of their "marriage". They had discussed getting divorced before she left, but hadn't talked about it again until recently. They had been fighting, via phone calls and emails, for the past 10 days or so, but it came to a head yesterday. I was eating dinner and get a phone call from my guy and he's crying. Tells me they're splitting up and can I come be with him because he doesn't want to be alone with a bunch of guns while he's feeling this way. I made my way up there and, by the time I got there, he was feeling less emotional.

He'd told his mom what had happened and she won't let go of the thought that it'll be fixed, but he knows its over and done with. Yes, I'm shacking up with him, but it is with the permission and knowledge of his wife. He told her when we met and she okayed it, but she has now told his parents that he was cheating with me the whole time she was gone. My biggest concern over the last year has been "what's going to happen when she returns", but that's off the table now. Unfortunately, he now has the ability to leave the area because he's no longer tied to the military until 2014. This could backfire tragically for me...

I guess my friends called it right. 2 of them who know about the marriage both said they would split up. I figured it was heading that direction just because they were discussing it prior to her leaving and the issues that caused them to talk about it were never dealt with and just left to fester and get worse. I don't think they would have made it anyways just because they've both got PTSD and he's bipolar. Unfortunately, bipolars need a support system of people who don't have any mental health issues to offer the stability they need to keep themselves in check. I've seen him make huge personal strides and grow so much over the last year and I'd like to think that I have been a part of those changes occurring...

It will be nice to be able to be out in public with him and not have to worry about someone related to the military seeing or hearing something. I know he won't start with the pdas or calling me his girlfriend, but it'll be nice anyways...