My guy and I were back to our normal yesterday and were doing well until this morning when we started talking about our impending future and what we both want out of it. Long story short, he is now dead set against having a child while I've wanted to be a mom since I was 25. If I'm to stay with him, I'll have to go back on birth control if I ever want to have sex with him again. We've been having unprotected sex for the last 10 months and nothing has happened yet. I'm beginning to think I'm not able to get pregnant...
So, do I stay with the man I love and, possibly, forgo my dreams of ever becoming a mom or do I forsake the one I love for something that I may not be capable of? This is the conundrum in which I find myself... I was having a rough day at work and told him I couldn't let go of the chance to be a mom, which I later was able to reverse, pleading bad circumstances for that kind of decision making. Before the redaction, he said his heart was crushed and that about killed me. The last thing I want to do is hurt him like that. But do I want to live the rest of my life hurting because I never had children? I wish there was some damn way we could both get what we want. Damnit!! My only hope is that, being the somewhat mercurial man he is, he'll change his mind down the line. But that's not guaranteed to happen and once again I'll be the one sacrificing.
I can't really talk to anyone about this, but God do I wish my Daddy was here! He'd at least let me cry it all out on his chest and tell me it will work out somehow. My mom doesn't want to hear it and, again, I can't burden my friends with this. I know they'll all tell me that being a mom is the choice I need to make.
I'm so damned confused. The next few days and/or weeks are going to be so difficult.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
I just don't know what to do.
The other day my guy got upset about something minor (in true beeper style) and said he wasn't going to talk to me for 4 weeks. He's done this before, but always ends up talking to me after a few days so I emailed him and told him I missed him. He then restarted my 4 week clock this morning. I told him if that was the case he was just being a jerk and couldn't blame it on his bipolar. He then went off the rails and said he wants his stuff packed up so he can get it sent to Nebraska. Again, he's said this before, but its never come to fruition.
I just don't know if it will this time and I'm so afraid I'm going to lose him. I love him so much and he's so amazing when he's not having a beeper episode. We've talked about growing old together, whether or not we get married, and we were planning to move to Nebraska together later this year. He always says things about teaching our son to scare Momma with a firecracker in the bathroom and asks if my heart will melt when I walk in and see the two of them crashed on the couch. I'm not sure any of that's happening now and the uncertainty of not knowing has my stomach in knots. I can't eat much and know I'm going to lose more weight if I don't start soon. I'm already down to my high school weight and don't really want to drop anymore.
I did choose to be with him, despite the crap that comes with loving a beeper, so I guess I don't have anyone to blame by myself. That's part of the reason I don't tell my friends about everything that goes on between us. I know they won't understand why I just don't leave him for someone without a mental health issue. One friend, who has become a close friend in the last year, is very familiar with living with a beeper as her mom had it quite badly. I can unload on her and I know she'll understand, but I still feel bad talking solely about the crap I'm going through with him.
I've checked out bipolar support groups, but I can't seem to find what I really need. Not that I know what I really need. My mom doesn't want to hear about him at all, good or bad, and I don't want to tell my brother. I have my dad, but once again, I don't like to unduly burden people with my relationship shit. That is why I write this blog, though I'm sure no one actually reads it. It helps me to unload without having to burden anyone with crap they've already heard time and time again.
I'm not a quitter and I don't want to walk away from him. He's been left more than once and I know he's very afraid of it happening again, though he'll never admit it. I'm a strong enough person to handle his swings, which I don't think the other women were, but it'll kill me not getting a chance to find out what kind of life we could have. I want to have his children. I want our daughter or son to have my eyes and his full lips, my love of reading and his 'I can figure anything out mind'. At this point, I don't even know if I can have children at all, let alone more than one.
All I can do at this point is ride it out and see what his next move is. I'm not good at waiting, though being with him has made me more so than I used to be.
I just don't know if it will this time and I'm so afraid I'm going to lose him. I love him so much and he's so amazing when he's not having a beeper episode. We've talked about growing old together, whether or not we get married, and we were planning to move to Nebraska together later this year. He always says things about teaching our son to scare Momma with a firecracker in the bathroom and asks if my heart will melt when I walk in and see the two of them crashed on the couch. I'm not sure any of that's happening now and the uncertainty of not knowing has my stomach in knots. I can't eat much and know I'm going to lose more weight if I don't start soon. I'm already down to my high school weight and don't really want to drop anymore.
I did choose to be with him, despite the crap that comes with loving a beeper, so I guess I don't have anyone to blame by myself. That's part of the reason I don't tell my friends about everything that goes on between us. I know they won't understand why I just don't leave him for someone without a mental health issue. One friend, who has become a close friend in the last year, is very familiar with living with a beeper as her mom had it quite badly. I can unload on her and I know she'll understand, but I still feel bad talking solely about the crap I'm going through with him.
I've checked out bipolar support groups, but I can't seem to find what I really need. Not that I know what I really need. My mom doesn't want to hear about him at all, good or bad, and I don't want to tell my brother. I have my dad, but once again, I don't like to unduly burden people with my relationship shit. That is why I write this blog, though I'm sure no one actually reads it. It helps me to unload without having to burden anyone with crap they've already heard time and time again.
I'm not a quitter and I don't want to walk away from him. He's been left more than once and I know he's very afraid of it happening again, though he'll never admit it. I'm a strong enough person to handle his swings, which I don't think the other women were, but it'll kill me not getting a chance to find out what kind of life we could have. I want to have his children. I want our daughter or son to have my eyes and his full lips, my love of reading and his 'I can figure anything out mind'. At this point, I don't even know if I can have children at all, let alone more than one.
All I can do at this point is ride it out and see what his next move is. I'm not good at waiting, though being with him has made me more so than I used to be.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Life in Flux...
So many things have happened since I last blogged. It's gotten serious with my guy and he's told me, on several occasions, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me... I was a bit shocked the first time he told me that, but have gotten over it and am looking forward to growing old with him.
I've also met his parents and liked both of them. They did, however, find out about our situation and decided a few weeks ago that they weren't comfortable with my being around them until his divorce is finalized. That hurt to hear, but I know they feel very strongly about the sanctity of marriage and can't fault them for their feelings. He then told them, "I'm standing with Erika and if you're against her, you're against me." He moved the majority of the rest of his stuff to my house and stayed with me the entire 2 weeks he was just home. He told me that he "thinks my family is going to be his family." He's already started talking to them a bit and they've already said they will welcome me back once his divorce is finalized...
Unbeknownst to them, we're planning on moving to Nebraska later this year. He just got into his new truck with a great company based in Omaha. They are quite small and run only 500 trucks. I think he'll be much happier with this kind of company, plus he's making quite a bit more per mile than he was previously. Our thought is that he'll have much more home time if we lived in NE, as opposed to staying in CA. I've also never lived far from my family and need to spread my wings and see more of this country. I'm excited for the adventure, but the logistics of moving are daunting, at best, and it's going to be a big undertaking. We've discussed living there for a few years and, eventually, moving back to CA. He knows family is important to me and I want our kids to have easier access to all their grandparents, especially when they get a bit older. Who knows, I might become preggers while we're there. The thought of not having anyone near by when I have an infant is scary, but he says everyone he's met is super friendly so I'm sure I won't have difficulty finding a support system there. It's going to be so hard for me to leave my puppies though. When we first talked about moving, I couldn't look at my dogs without bawling... I'm getting better now, but am still concerned about what I'm going to do with them. I can't have them there until we have a house with a yard, but I have no way of knowing how long that's going to be. Also, my brother is taking the Air Force entrance exam on Monday and could be going to boot camp shortly thereafter. Where will he be stationed? What will happen to our 3 dogs? My parents can't handle six dogs... Who am I going to find to rent the house? So many questions would be running through my head if I let myself think about it...
I've also met his parents and liked both of them. They did, however, find out about our situation and decided a few weeks ago that they weren't comfortable with my being around them until his divorce is finalized. That hurt to hear, but I know they feel very strongly about the sanctity of marriage and can't fault them for their feelings. He then told them, "I'm standing with Erika and if you're against her, you're against me." He moved the majority of the rest of his stuff to my house and stayed with me the entire 2 weeks he was just home. He told me that he "thinks my family is going to be his family." He's already started talking to them a bit and they've already said they will welcome me back once his divorce is finalized...
Unbeknownst to them, we're planning on moving to Nebraska later this year. He just got into his new truck with a great company based in Omaha. They are quite small and run only 500 trucks. I think he'll be much happier with this kind of company, plus he's making quite a bit more per mile than he was previously. Our thought is that he'll have much more home time if we lived in NE, as opposed to staying in CA. I've also never lived far from my family and need to spread my wings and see more of this country. I'm excited for the adventure, but the logistics of moving are daunting, at best, and it's going to be a big undertaking. We've discussed living there for a few years and, eventually, moving back to CA. He knows family is important to me and I want our kids to have easier access to all their grandparents, especially when they get a bit older. Who knows, I might become preggers while we're there. The thought of not having anyone near by when I have an infant is scary, but he says everyone he's met is super friendly so I'm sure I won't have difficulty finding a support system there. It's going to be so hard for me to leave my puppies though. When we first talked about moving, I couldn't look at my dogs without bawling... I'm getting better now, but am still concerned about what I'm going to do with them. I can't have them there until we have a house with a yard, but I have no way of knowing how long that's going to be. Also, my brother is taking the Air Force entrance exam on Monday and could be going to boot camp shortly thereafter. Where will he be stationed? What will happen to our 3 dogs? My parents can't handle six dogs... Who am I going to find to rent the house? So many questions would be running through my head if I let myself think about it...
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
It's now been a week....
Since my guy's wife told him she wanted a divorce. He's feeling pretty indifferent about her being gone, but he's pissed she wouldn't even give them a chance to try and fix what was broken. He's realized that he's a lot better off now, even if his financial situation is tenuous at best. His ex was in contact with his mom and was sending her bits and pieces of emails he'd sent her. His mom asked her to forward the emails, in their entirety, and realized how wrong she was in supporting his ex and wanting them to work it out. She called him this morning and told him she was sorry for ever doubting him and that she believed him about his exes behavior. She wants nothing more to do with the ex, ever...
He hasn't come out and told his mom what my real role in his life is, but she's known him long enough to get a pretty good idea of where I fit in. He's going to wait a few months and then tell them how important I've become to him. Mom's probably gonna say, "Duh. Did you think I wouldn't figure it out?" She's told him she just wants him to settle down with a good woman and be done with it. I think he already has Mom...
He posed the question to me last night, "What do you think my mom'll say when we get married?" I didn't even contemplate the question before saying she'd just shake her head and say, "B..., B...., B....." He knows she's going to like me when we finally meet... I sure hope he's right cuz I couldn't stand my former mother in law!
He hasn't come out and told his mom what my real role in his life is, but she's known him long enough to get a pretty good idea of where I fit in. He's going to wait a few months and then tell them how important I've become to him. Mom's probably gonna say, "Duh. Did you think I wouldn't figure it out?" She's told him she just wants him to settle down with a good woman and be done with it. I think he already has Mom...
He posed the question to me last night, "What do you think my mom'll say when we get married?" I didn't even contemplate the question before saying she'd just shake her head and say, "B..., B...., B....." He knows she's going to like me when we finally meet... I sure hope he's right cuz I couldn't stand my former mother in law!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
A New Chapter?
I don't know if anyone has even read this blog, but I wanted to update with some big news. If you've read this, you know my boyfriend happens to be betrothed to someone who isn't me. They married after only being together for 2 months, most likely, as a reaction to her impending deployment. She left for pre-deployment training shortly thereafter and went directly to deployment following that. Thus, she has been gone for the first year plus of their "marriage". They had discussed getting divorced before she left, but hadn't talked about it again until recently. They had been fighting, via phone calls and emails, for the past 10 days or so, but it came to a head yesterday. I was eating dinner and get a phone call from my guy and he's crying. Tells me they're splitting up and can I come be with him because he doesn't want to be alone with a bunch of guns while he's feeling this way. I made my way up there and, by the time I got there, he was feeling less emotional.
He'd told his mom what had happened and she won't let go of the thought that it'll be fixed, but he knows its over and done with. Yes, I'm shacking up with him, but it is with the permission and knowledge of his wife. He told her when we met and she okayed it, but she has now told his parents that he was cheating with me the whole time she was gone. My biggest concern over the last year has been "what's going to happen when she returns", but that's off the table now. Unfortunately, he now has the ability to leave the area because he's no longer tied to the military until 2014. This could backfire tragically for me...
I guess my friends called it right. 2 of them who know about the marriage both said they would split up. I figured it was heading that direction just because they were discussing it prior to her leaving and the issues that caused them to talk about it were never dealt with and just left to fester and get worse. I don't think they would have made it anyways just because they've both got PTSD and he's bipolar. Unfortunately, bipolars need a support system of people who don't have any mental health issues to offer the stability they need to keep themselves in check. I've seen him make huge personal strides and grow so much over the last year and I'd like to think that I have been a part of those changes occurring...
It will be nice to be able to be out in public with him and not have to worry about someone related to the military seeing or hearing something. I know he won't start with the pdas or calling me his girlfriend, but it'll be nice anyways...
He'd told his mom what had happened and she won't let go of the thought that it'll be fixed, but he knows its over and done with. Yes, I'm shacking up with him, but it is with the permission and knowledge of his wife. He told her when we met and she okayed it, but she has now told his parents that he was cheating with me the whole time she was gone. My biggest concern over the last year has been "what's going to happen when she returns", but that's off the table now. Unfortunately, he now has the ability to leave the area because he's no longer tied to the military until 2014. This could backfire tragically for me...
I guess my friends called it right. 2 of them who know about the marriage both said they would split up. I figured it was heading that direction just because they were discussing it prior to her leaving and the issues that caused them to talk about it were never dealt with and just left to fester and get worse. I don't think they would have made it anyways just because they've both got PTSD and he's bipolar. Unfortunately, bipolars need a support system of people who don't have any mental health issues to offer the stability they need to keep themselves in check. I've seen him make huge personal strides and grow so much over the last year and I'd like to think that I have been a part of those changes occurring...
It will be nice to be able to be out in public with him and not have to worry about someone related to the military seeing or hearing something. I know he won't start with the pdas or calling me his girlfriend, but it'll be nice anyways...
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Here I Sit...
On December 23rd, 2 days prior to Christmas and 3 prior to my birthday, and I can't find it within myself to give even the teensiest, tiniest crap about it. I'm not sure why, but I certainly don't like feeling this way. I used to love these 2 days and would get so excited months in advance. Last year and this year I don't give a flying fuck. I know part of it is because I'm fucking broke and a bigger part of it is because I'm turning 34 and am still not pregnant. All I want is to be a mom and I'm afraid it's never going to happen.
My man and I got in an argument last weekend and have since made up, somewhat, but now he's saying he'll "see me next month" and "talk to me on the 25th". What the fuck is that? Who says they love someone and then pulls that kind of shit? Who the FUCK does that??? As frustrated as he makes me, I still love him and that drives me even more crazy!
I think I'm just going to get ready for bed and cry my eyes out cuz I can't think of anything else to do right now... Pity Party for One, coming up.
My man and I got in an argument last weekend and have since made up, somewhat, but now he's saying he'll "see me next month" and "talk to me on the 25th". What the fuck is that? Who says they love someone and then pulls that kind of shit? Who the FUCK does that??? As frustrated as he makes me, I still love him and that drives me even more crazy!
I think I'm just going to get ready for bed and cry my eyes out cuz I can't think of anything else to do right now... Pity Party for One, coming up.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
I've always been a relatively healthy girl and have never had any sort of health scare, not even a pregnancy scare... I'd noticed my right breast increasing in size 2 weeks ago, but I figured it was premenstrual. I made an appt with my NP, just in case, and decided to keep it yesterday. Imagine my shock when she said she found a lump that concerned her. It's 3cm x 3cm and is at about 6 o'clock. She wants me to have an ultrasound, but I don't get ins through my new job for another 10 weeks. It registered, but didn't really register, you know? I told my good friend and she reminded me that I can get an ultrasound through the community clinic I used to work for and it wouldn't cost me much. After that, the possibilities really sunk in and I got so scared. My mom had come over, but left before I could tell her. I was getting ready for bed at almost midnight and couldn't go to bed without telling her. I woke her up and, of course, she was supportive. She gave me a hug and let me cry some and I was able to go to bed a little while later. It's amazing how much just a smidgen of emotional support can help when you're frightened.
I'd texted my BF and told him she'd found a spot she wanted to keep an eye on. I didn't mention the US because I didn't realize I could get one sooner. He took my text to mean that everything was fine and never responded at all. Fast forward to when it really started sinking in and I'm beginning to get really scared. He'd texted me about something else and, all of a sudden, I got so upset that he didn't say anything at all. I told him I just wanted some concern, wasn't mad at him, was terrified, etc, etc and, this morning, he proceeded to tell me I was being a fucking bitch because he couldn't read my mind and tell me what I wanted to hear. Anyone else I know would have had the compassion to at least acknowledge what was going on. He said I was ruining his time with his wife (long story) and to leave him alone and stop bugging him...This was not my intention at all, but now I have a very strong feeling that she's told him he needs to break up with me.
I love him, but I just started a new job and now have a breast lump to worry about and I don't know if I have the energy to fight to keep him. In addition to the lump, my pregnancy test was a big, fucking negative so that didn't help the situation in the least bit...
I got off work an hour ago, I'm starting to get sick, I'm tired, but can't sleep because of the Go Girl I drank to stay awake until 11. I'm really glad I have the next 3 days off.... The BF probably won't be home until Tuesday, but I work all week and don't even know if I'll see him next weekend. FML...
I'd texted my BF and told him she'd found a spot she wanted to keep an eye on. I didn't mention the US because I didn't realize I could get one sooner. He took my text to mean that everything was fine and never responded at all. Fast forward to when it really started sinking in and I'm beginning to get really scared. He'd texted me about something else and, all of a sudden, I got so upset that he didn't say anything at all. I told him I just wanted some concern, wasn't mad at him, was terrified, etc, etc and, this morning, he proceeded to tell me I was being a fucking bitch because he couldn't read my mind and tell me what I wanted to hear. Anyone else I know would have had the compassion to at least acknowledge what was going on. He said I was ruining his time with his wife (long story) and to leave him alone and stop bugging him...This was not my intention at all, but now I have a very strong feeling that she's told him he needs to break up with me.
I love him, but I just started a new job and now have a breast lump to worry about and I don't know if I have the energy to fight to keep him. In addition to the lump, my pregnancy test was a big, fucking negative so that didn't help the situation in the least bit...
I got off work an hour ago, I'm starting to get sick, I'm tired, but can't sleep because of the Go Girl I drank to stay awake until 11. I'm really glad I have the next 3 days off.... The BF probably won't be home until Tuesday, but I work all week and don't even know if I'll see him next weekend. FML...
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