Feeling such relief now.

I stopped by Adam's house today to give him a toy truck he'd let my son play with. I'd been planning on asking for a hug since it could conceivably be the last one I'd get from him. Before I had a chance to say anything, he pulled me into a warm bear hug. I tried so hard not to cry, but I was unsuccessful at stemming the trickle. We talked for over an hour and he explained that he's normally all in on relationships too, but he'd been running with both feet "on the brakes" to keep himself from getting too far into it while he had these unresolved feelings about his breakup. He's not still in love with his ex, but he does need some closure since their relationship ended so abruptly. He also said he could see we were heading to the next step and would be meeting each others "people" before too long and he didn't want to wait the feelings out, hoping they'd go away, and have it blow up in his face if they didn't. He wanted to be emotionally selfish, but chose to be emotionally selfless and protect me instead. He thinks I'm amazing in more ways than one and I've been through hell and he doesn't want to risk being responsible for destroying me emotionally. We also have our kids to think about too. I admitted that I was easily able to see myself falling for him in the not so distant future. He's pretty amazing and I HEART him!!

I totally understand what he's saying and I left his house smiling, despite our "hiatus". His buddy was funny and texted him that he cruised by and saw my car and could he come over or should he stay away! We parted ways with a nice hug. I know we'll be back together soon. I can feel it. Plus, my part witch friend said the same thing and she's not wrong about these things...

Am I Pathetic or Just a Fool for Love?

After leaving my son's dad last summer, it took me several months to start feeling like myself again. He'd treated me like I was so insufficient that I'd become a shell of my former self. It wasn't until December that I felt ready to hit the dating scene again. I met some nice guys and one in particular that I really liked, but something always seemed to happen when we tried to get together. I guess the universe was trying to say we really didn't need to hang out because he just stopped texting me altogether. Really mature for a 35 year old, right? I spent a couple of weeks hoping he'd get in touch and, the day after I finally gave up on him, I got a message from this cute guy asking me if I'd like to get lunch or dinner. I'd had plans for the afternoon, but they'd been changed so I was free. We met for pizza and, almost immediately, felt comfortable with each other. There was nervousness for a few minutes, but that was it. We talked and laughed for over 2 hours. It felt like we'd known each other in a previous life or something. He told me he'd messaged me a while before, but recognized me when I came across his matches again so he tried again. There's a reason he did and there's a reason I was available that day. He also said the other women he'd been chatting with either wanted to meet for just a hookup or wanted to chat for 3 weeks before ever meeting in person.

We had hung out at least once a week since meeting and always had a good time. Sex between us is great and I found myself liking him more and more every day. He claimed to feel the same click and we both agreed that it was scary to feel that way about someone so quickly. He even fit in the driver's seat of my car without any adjustments! ;)

About a month ago, he tells me that it's moving too fast for him and he needs to take a step back. That was fine with me, I wasn't further along than he was like he thought, but I gave him space. It only took a week and we were sleeping together again. I was humming right along, picturing myself falling in love with this amazing man and, BAM!, yesterday he emails me that he's still not over his ex girlfriend and isn't sure if he loves her or just isn't over the breakup. Doesn't want it to go further and hurt me, etc, etc. I end up laying in the MRI, crying softly with tears running down my cheeks because I can't wipe them away. I'm not a jealous person, but the mental image of his ex getting to hug and love on him instead of me just makes me SO jealous!! I'm a fool, but I refuse to believe that all the things that clicked to get us together happened for the reason of me getting my heartbroken. After getting screwed over by the previous man, I just can't handle a second time.

I need a fucking break here. Being with Adam is so effortless and relaxed. Life with Brian was exhausting, as was being with Tony. I thought I'd found the perfect person for me, but I guess I was wrong. This is going to take me months to get over...

Oh Joy is My Life...

Well, Brian and I almost split for good recently. I went so far as to contact my parents about driving out to Nebraska to pack me and my stuff back to California. Brian started talking about selling all his stuff so it would be less for someone to deal with and how once he leaves, I'll never see him again and that I'll get a phone call and just hear a gunshot. The next morning, he tells me he doesn't want me to leave because he's scared about what he'll do if he's alone. He also said he doesn't want to throw away 2 years and start over, nor does he want to have 2 kids with 2 women and not be with either of them. He did say that he still loves me and had lied when he said that he stopped loving me a few weeks before. He also admitted that he realized he needs professional psychiatric help because he doesn't like how his bipolar makes him feel or act, but he doesn't like how his medication makes him feel either. I applaud him wanting to take steps to get better, but I know the next year or so is going to be so difficult to get through. He's already stopped his medication because of the side effects and, though he feels better without it, he's been really difficult in the last few weeks.

We talked a lot the day after everything happened and we both agreed to put past bad decisions behind us and start over to move forward from here, but I don't know that I shouldn't have gone back to California. I love him more than anything and always will, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to stand by him while he gets treatment. He said I was the first person who remained a stable presence in his life and didn't run at the first signs of trouble. I've always known I am and that's a huge part of the reason why I never left when he brought it up before. I think my beginning the arrangements to leave made him realize that it was real this time. Did that scare him? I don't know.

I just got back from a 9 day trip home for a visit and baby shower and being in my old room and my old house felt somewhat foreign to me. I loved getting to see everyone I saw and Marley was ecstatic that I was home (she gave me the most awful sad dog face when I left), but I felt myself looking forward to going "home".

Now, I'm home, my car is getting picked up tomorrow, and I've been taken off Brian's insurance as an authorized driver so I have no way to get anywhere. Luckily, a coworker is going to pick me up and drop me off for work, but I'll have to walk over to the grocery store if I need anything when Brian's not here. Today he tells me I'll have to get my own car and insurance if I want to be able to get anywhere. I won't be working after the end of October and have applied for some state aid, but I have no idea how much, if any, I'll get.

I don't know what time is going to bring, besides my beautiful baby boy, but I know I've got to be strong for Ian and be the best mom I can be to him. I just hope I can live up to what he needs because I feel like a total failure otherwise. I'm 35, working for just more than minimum wage, and have NOTHING to my name. Not exactly where I thought my life would be...

This is My Conundrum...

Fast forward 3 months. We've moved from Kearney to Plattsmouth. I'm now 5 1/2 months pregnant with my first child, a boy. I was engaged to his dad, but somehow picking up a ring he "regrets buying for me" devolved into my having 2 weeks to find another place to live or move back to California so I can "raise him around family and get help with day care" in a state with high prices and double digit unemployment...

Ever since I got pregnant in February (on the weekend he proposed) and found out in March, he's not hesitated to tell me how he didn't want a kid and how I've now ruined his life and all the plans he had, like becoming a competitive long distance shooter (yeah, that was gonna happen), etc, etc. Then he goes back to trucking so he "support his family" and we move to a small town south of Omaha so he can live closer to the yard, be home more often, and we can be safe. Then he goes on and on about how he wants to blow on the belly and teach our boy how to play pranks on Mama. Today, after the ring debacle, he says he just wanted to know what style and look I liked so that he could buy one from a friend back home to give to me when we got married at the courthouse, but that now he has no intention of ever buying me a ring, ever and that he doesn't want to be with me and we're just cohabitating to raise our son. This was right before he said I should never have moved to Nebraska in the first place and that he'll pay for me to move back to Cali or I have to move out.

I still love him and have lost a close friend because I won't leave him and she got tired of hearing about what was going on with us. Now I have no one to talk to at all. I won't burden my friends with this and I can't talk to my parents about it. I'm in a shitty, shitty position and have no one to go to, except here...

His mom told me the other day that she and his dad have grown to love me and that it will break their hearts if I "go away". I would never keep our son from his grandparents, but I want him to have his dad in his life too. I'm hoping against hope that this is just the effects of a bipolar episode and that he'll be back to his normal soon. I don't want to lose the man I love and the father of my child, but I also want to be able to take care of our son on my own if I have to and I'm scared to death that I won't be able to. I can't seem to stop crying for more than a few minutes and I feel so scared and alone.

I'm applying for any damn job that I'm remotely qualified for and have 2 interviews this week and next. I just applied for a couple more tonight so we'll see what happens. There are a lot more job opportunities around Omaha, but I don't know if I'll make enough for rent, bills, baby stuff, etc. If I moved back home, the only thing I would have for sure is my car and a place to live. Finding a job would be hellish and even if I did, chances are it would be worse than before because I have a child to pay for too.

This is my conundrum....

So much has happened since I last blogged! Brian and I moved to Kearney, Nebraska, he proposed 2 months after I got here and I got pregnant that night! I'm now 8 weeks along, give or take, and life is taking a fucking nosedive... Brian says he doesn't love me much anymore and won't support our baby at all. He's not going so far as to kick me out like he said he was last week, but he won't help me out at all. He got a second job because of the baby and ended up working until 1 am, 4 am, and 10 pm for the last three days. I don't know if he needs to adjust his dosage or just needs some sleep, but I know I don't want to lose him, even when he says everything that's fucked up is mostly my fault. I know that's the BP, not him, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep getting verbally abused like this. Tonight, he even threw a step stool down the hall. It only hit the door, but that's the first time I've been even the tiniest bit afraid for my physical safety, especially now that I'm pregnant.

This is supposed to be a magical time in my life and, instead, its just all fucked up and turned on its head. If I could find a job that paid more than $8.50 an goddamn hour, that would help so much. I can pay my bills and half the rent on it, but there isn't much else left for anything. He won't let me forget my past irresponsibility and how much its "costing him now" with my debt and high car insurance. Like I fucking meant to wreck my car and have to pay $200 a month for insurance!! Then he wants to "talk about it" and berate me for my bad choices, like that's going to do any fucking good at all!!!! It's over and done with! Stop beating the dead, fucking horse and move on!! I don't berate him for fucking the bartender when they were in LA and giving me chlamydia!

On top of all this shit, Marivel is no longer my friend because I looked to her for support last week and, apparently, she didn't want to hear about us again because when I told her thanks for the support, she told me I could talk shit about others, but couldn't handle it when others did the same to me. I told her to fuck herself and the horse she rode in on. Stupid bitch. I was fine without her in my life and I'll be fine again.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I keep waiting for that one thing I need to help life go smoother to happen, but I'm getting awfully fucking tired of waiting and I feel so helpless to make my situation any better. I'm going to look for a part time job somewhere. It's the only thing I can do at this point. I'm going to be tired as hell, but that's no fucking different from how I already feel.

Drama and Not

Yesterday my man went through his cyclical, super pissy phase and said he would talk to me next weekend when I got pissed and told him to leave me alone for a little bit. I texted him this morning and told him I was ready to talk if he was, but he just texted back "next weekend". I wasn't going to push it because he never holds out long when he says it'll be a week before I hear from him... Lo and behold, I get a call from him today, ostensibly to ask about which size boxers and socks to get, and we're on the phone for 45 minutes. He proceeded to call me back 3 or 4 times over the course of the day so I know we're on the way back to good.

We're moving to Kearney, Nebraska whether he gets the towing job he applied for or not, its just a matter of when. I want to move before the end of the year so I don't have to renew my Ca pharmacy tech license for $100, but I'm not looking forward to the logistics of the move or moving in the middle of the winter... I'm paring down my clothes, except for my cold weather stuff, and am glad to be making some progress. I'm just so looking forward to starting my life with him, even though our relationship is far from smooth. I love him so much.

And more recently....

My bf came home for almost a week and stayed at my house most of the time :). He took the test for the gas company, but wasn't extended a job offer that day. He said he wanted to give it a couple of months to see what happened and go from their. Well, this last week, he was picking up a load of pumpkins at a farm near Big Springs, Nebraska and got to talking to the owner about the difficulty he has finding drivers with CDLs who are willing to stay in the area. That got Brian to thinking about living a VERY rural life in Big Springs which led to thoughts about growing some crops and having pigs and/or cattle for our own use. That has expanded to several things, but I can't say I'm really against it. I grew up in a very small community and do miss that camaraderie and closeness. He's always wanted to live in a small town, but didn't grow up in one.

Well, today he gets a call from the guy who did the testing offering him a meter reading position (his Dad had to have pulled some strings). He wanted me to make the decision for him and I wish I could help him, but all I could tell him is how I feel and that I support his decision either way. He's got a lot of thinking to do. I don't care where we live (it'll be a lot tighter here in CA), I just want to have a life with the sexy, smart, and funny man I love more than anything.

Recently.

I recently had a very honest and very overdue convo with my man and, much to my dismay, I found that the person I have become very nearly cost me him. He loves the real me, but can't stand who I have become. I have to change and I will, but I'm petrified because I have no idea where to start and I couldn't bear to lose him. He was seriously considering leaving me recently and went so far as to find someone online and spend some time with her. They fooled around a bit and spent the day with her, but he didn't go to the point of sleeping with her because he didn't want to throw away 18 month for someone who seemed perfect on paper. I feel horrible that I'm the reason he almost left me and felt he needed to turn to another woman and I have no way to convey how sorry I am. I'm a complete fuckup. I'm 34 and don't have my shit together. Most people get to fail and fall on their face during their 20s, but I got married at 22 so I don't have the benefit of that earlier experience and its so much more difficult to deal with when it happens in your mid 30s... I feel like a pathetic loser, but I know I have to change and I want to. I will change back to the real me. I will change back to the real me. I will change back to the real me. I HAVE TO CHANGE BACK TO THE REAL ME OR I'M GOING TO LOSE THE MAN I LOVE!!!!

To further complicate issues, he's applying for a job with the gas company because its a good job with room for advancement and he knows I would love to stay in this area even though living here is the last thing he wants to do. I was stunned that I hadn't picked up on his doing this just for me, thereby making me feel like more of a loser. I'm pretty sure he's going to get the job, but am I terrible for not wanting him to? I want to move with him and am willing to move almost anywhere so that he can be happy. I'm trying not to be selfish, but he keeps telling me that if I really wanted to move, I would have done it on my own. The thought of moving on my own and starting over somewhere completely foreign scares the all loving shit out of me. All I want is to be able to start our life together and for him to be happy.

I'm so confused. Scared. Petrified. Excited. Worried.

Why Does It Have to Be Like This?

So, he's been home for the last 2 days and its been great. This morning, he wakes up a complete cranky bastard, going on about my house is making him sick and he's never going to stay here again. He knew he was risking allergies when he opted to stay here the other night. Now, we're sitting in bed, not speaking at all... Yeah for us.

We're done.

Well, the saga is over. I'm pretty sure for good this time. I'm never going to be good enough for him and he's not willing to put his plans on hold to give me time to do what I need to do. I'm crushed because I love him and don't want to lose him, but I'm also partly relieved that I'm off our roller coaster. If anyone has read my previous blogs you know by now we've been here before, but didn't actually split up. I'd like to think this is one of those times, but I have a feeling in my gut that it's for real this time...

Why the hell do I feel this way?

I'm in one of my a few times a year funks and I have no fucking clue as to why. Work has sucked this week and the last thing I want to do in the morning is get up and face life and the world. Struggling is putting my current life in california mildly. I can barely afford the bills I have, have very few options for a higher paying job in my current career, or any other for that matter. The only way I could afford to stay here, where I grew up, is to get a $25/hour job, but that ain't gonna happen. My only chance to get above water at all and try to pay off my debt is to leave this state. Unfortunately, I can't do that by myself and my only chance to do so is with my bipolar boyfriend who says he loves me, yet takes most of his shit out on me too. He's supposed to be home soon, but "isn't sure" if he's even going to stay here at all. Today he tells me he's been thinking of skipping apartment living and getting right into a rv so that what we'd pay for rent can go directly into the rv instead. I made the mistake of telling him I've had a really shitty week and don't feel like thinking about it right now. He tells me "you're always in a shitty mood. Call me when you're not." I said bye and hung up on him so his response is "On second thought, I'll talk to you when I come get my stuff." Fuck him. I'm so damn tired of not knowing how he's going to react in any given second. I really am. I'm ashamed to admit that a part of me is saying "fuck him. I don't deserve to be treated like shit and I deserve someone who loves me all the time, not just when he's having a nice episode." I'm ashamed because on nights like this, when he's been a jerk, and I'm alone, crying, in front of my computer, and absolutely miserable with how my life has turned out, that's the voice I want to listen to. I know I won't, but the temptation calls to me like a siren song called sailors to their watery deaths.

The quandry comes in the form of the amazing man he is when he's between episodes. I love him so much, but saying anything caring is taken like I'm 'mothering' him and he flips. I thought I was a strong enough person to handle his swings, but I don't know if I can do it anymore. I really don't know. Do I want to hitch my wagon to this man for the rest of my life knowing full well what turmoil lays ahead? I'm just not sure right now.

Usually blogging helps me sort out my feelings when I'm feeling conflicted, but it's not helping at all tonight.

The Hardest Decision I've EVER Been Asked to Make

My guy and I were back to our normal yesterday and were doing well until this morning when we started talking about our impending future and what we both want out of it. Long story short, he is now dead set against having a child while I've wanted to be a mom since I was 25. If I'm to stay with him, I'll have to go back on birth control if I ever want to have sex with him again. We've been having unprotected sex for the last 10 months and nothing has happened yet. I'm beginning to think I'm not able to get pregnant...

So, do I stay with the man I love and, possibly, forgo my dreams of ever becoming a mom or do I forsake the one I love for something that I may not be capable of? This is the conundrum in which I find myself... I was having a rough day at work and told him I couldn't let go of the chance to be a mom, which I later was able to reverse, pleading bad circumstances for that kind of decision making. Before the redaction, he said his heart was crushed and that about killed me. The last thing I want to do is hurt him like that. But do I want to live the rest of my life hurting because I never had children? I wish there was some damn way we could both get what we want. Damnit!! My only hope is that, being the somewhat mercurial man he is, he'll change his mind down the line. But that's not guaranteed to happen and once again I'll be the one sacrificing.

I can't really talk to anyone about this, but God do I wish my Daddy was here! He'd at least let me cry it all out on his chest and tell me it will work out somehow. My mom doesn't want to hear it and, again, I can't burden my friends with this. I know they'll all tell me that being a mom is the choice I need to make.

I'm so damned confused. The next few days and/or weeks are going to be so difficult.

I just don't know what to do.

The other day my guy got upset about something minor (in true beeper style) and said he wasn't going to talk to me for 4 weeks. He's done this before, but always ends up talking to me after a few days so I emailed him and told him I missed him. He then restarted my 4 week clock this morning. I told him if that was the case he was just being a jerk and couldn't blame it on his bipolar. He then went off the rails and said he wants his stuff packed up so he can get it sent to Nebraska. Again, he's said this before, but its never come to fruition.

I just don't know if it will this time and I'm so afraid I'm going to lose him. I love him so much and he's so amazing when he's not having a beeper episode. We've talked about growing old together, whether or not we get married, and we were planning to move to Nebraska together later this year. He always says things about teaching our son to scare Momma with a firecracker in the bathroom and asks if my heart will melt when I walk in and see the two of them crashed on the couch. I'm not sure any of  that's happening now and the uncertainty of not knowing has my stomach in knots. I can't eat much and know I'm going to lose more weight if I don't start soon. I'm already down to my high school weight and don't really want to drop anymore.

I did choose to be with him, despite the crap that comes with loving a beeper, so I guess I don't have anyone to blame by myself. That's part of the reason I don't tell my friends about everything that goes on between us. I know they won't understand why I just don't leave him for someone without a mental health issue. One friend, who has become a close friend in the last year, is very familiar with living with a beeper as her mom had it quite badly. I can unload on her and I know she'll understand, but I still feel bad talking solely about the crap I'm going through with him.

I've checked out bipolar support groups, but I can't seem to find what I really need. Not that I know what I really need. My mom doesn't want to hear about him at all, good or bad, and I don't want to tell my brother. I have my dad, but once again, I don't like to unduly burden people with my relationship shit. That is why I write this blog, though I'm sure no one actually reads it. It helps me to unload without having to burden anyone with crap they've already heard time and time again.

I'm not a quitter and I don't want to walk away from him. He's been left more than once and I know he's very afraid of it happening again, though he'll never admit it. I'm a strong enough person to handle his swings, which I don't think the other women were, but it'll kill me not getting a chance to find out what kind of life we could have. I want to have his children. I want our daughter or son to have my eyes and his full lips, my love of reading and his 'I can figure anything out mind'. At this point, I don't even know if I can have children at all, let alone more than one.

All I can do at this point is ride it out and see what his next move is. I'm not good at waiting, though being with him has made me more so than I used to be.

Life in Flux...

So many things have happened since I last blogged. It's gotten serious with my guy and he's told me, on several occasions, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me... I was a bit shocked the first time he told me that, but have gotten over it and am looking forward to growing old with him.

I've also met his parents and liked both of them. They did, however, find out about our situation and decided a few weeks ago that they weren't comfortable with my being around them until his divorce is finalized. That hurt to hear, but I know they feel very strongly about the sanctity of marriage and can't fault them for their feelings. He then told them, "I'm standing with Erika and if you're against her, you're against me." He moved the majority of the rest of his stuff to my house and stayed with me the entire 2 weeks he was just home. He told me that he "thinks my family is going to be his family." He's already started talking to them a bit and they've already said they will welcome me back once his divorce is finalized...

Unbeknownst to them, we're planning on moving to Nebraska later this year. He just got into his new truck with a great company based in Omaha. They are quite small and run only 500 trucks. I think he'll be much happier with this kind of company, plus he's making quite a bit more per mile than he was previously. Our thought is that he'll have much more home time if we lived in NE, as opposed to staying in CA. I've also never lived far from my family and need to spread my wings and see more of this country. I'm excited for the adventure, but the logistics of moving are daunting, at best, and it's going to be a big undertaking. We've discussed living there for a few years and, eventually, moving back to CA. He knows family is important to me and I want our kids to have easier access to all their grandparents, especially when they get a bit older. Who knows, I might become preggers while we're there. The thought of not having anyone near by when I have an infant is scary, but he says everyone he's met is super friendly so I'm sure I won't have difficulty finding a support system there. It's going to be so hard for me to leave my puppies though. When we first talked about moving, I couldn't look at my dogs without bawling... I'm getting better now, but am still concerned about what I'm going to do with them. I can't have them there until we have a house with a yard, but I have no way of knowing how long that's going to be. Also, my brother is taking the Air Force entrance exam on Monday and could be going to boot camp shortly thereafter. Where will he be stationed? What will happen to our 3 dogs? My parents can't handle six dogs... Who am I going to find to rent the house? So many questions would be running through my head if I let myself think about it...

It's now been a week....

Since my guy's wife told him she wanted a divorce. He's feeling pretty indifferent about her being gone, but he's pissed she wouldn't even give them a chance to try and fix what was broken. He's realized that he's a lot better off now, even if his financial situation is tenuous at best. His ex was in contact with his mom and was sending her bits and pieces of emails he'd sent her. His mom asked her to forward the emails, in their entirety, and realized how wrong she was in supporting his ex and wanting them to work it out. She called him this morning and told him she was sorry for ever doubting him and that she believed him about his exes behavior. She wants nothing more to do with the ex, ever...

He hasn't come out and told his mom what my real role in his life is, but she's known him long enough to get a pretty good idea of where I fit in. He's going to wait a few months and then tell them how important I've become to him. Mom's probably gonna say, "Duh. Did you think I wouldn't figure it out?" She's told him she just wants him to settle down with a good woman and be done with it. I think he already has Mom...

He posed the question to me last night, "What do you think my mom'll say when we get married?" I didn't even contemplate the question before saying she'd just shake her head and say, "B..., B...., B....." He knows she's going to like me when we finally meet... I sure hope he's right cuz I couldn't stand my former mother in law!

A New Chapter?

I don't know if anyone has even read this blog, but I wanted to update with some big news. If you've read this, you know my boyfriend happens to be betrothed to someone who isn't me. They married after only being together for 2 months, most likely, as a reaction to her impending deployment. She left for pre-deployment training shortly thereafter and went directly to deployment following that. Thus, she has been gone for the first year plus of their "marriage". They had discussed getting divorced before she left, but hadn't talked about it again until recently. They had been fighting, via phone calls and emails, for the past 10 days or so, but it came to a head yesterday. I was eating dinner and get a phone call from my guy and he's crying. Tells me they're splitting up and can I come be with him because he doesn't want to be alone with a bunch of guns while he's feeling this way. I made my way up there and, by the time I got there, he was feeling less emotional.

He'd told his mom what had happened and she won't let go of the thought that it'll be fixed, but he knows its over and done with. Yes, I'm shacking up with him, but it is with the permission and knowledge of his wife. He told her when we met and she okayed it, but she has now told his parents that he was cheating with me the whole time she was gone. My biggest concern over the last year has been "what's going to happen when she returns", but that's off the table now. Unfortunately, he now has the ability to leave the area because he's no longer tied to the military until 2014. This could backfire tragically for me...

I guess my friends called it right. 2 of them who know about the marriage both said they would split up. I figured it was heading that direction just because they were discussing it prior to her leaving and the issues that caused them to talk about it were never dealt with and just left to fester and get worse. I don't think they would have made it anyways just because they've both got PTSD and he's bipolar. Unfortunately, bipolars need a support system of people who don't have any mental health issues to offer the stability they need to keep themselves in check. I've seen him make huge personal strides and grow so much over the last year and I'd like to think that I have been a part of those changes occurring...

It will be nice to be able to be out in public with him and not have to worry about someone related to the military seeing or hearing something. I know he won't start with the pdas or calling me his girlfriend, but it'll be nice anyways...

Here I Sit...

On December 23rd, 2 days prior to Christmas and 3 prior to my birthday, and I can't find it within myself to give even the teensiest, tiniest crap about it. I'm not sure why, but I certainly don't like feeling this way. I used to love these 2 days and would get so excited months in advance. Last year and this year I don't give a flying fuck. I know part of it is because I'm fucking broke and a bigger part of it is because I'm turning 34 and am still not pregnant. All I want is to be a mom and I'm afraid it's never going to happen.

My man and I got in an argument last weekend and have since made up, somewhat, but now he's saying he'll "see me next month" and "talk to me on the 25th". What the fuck is that? Who says they love someone and then pulls that kind of shit? Who the FUCK does that??? As frustrated as he makes me, I still love him and that drives me even more crazy!

I think I'm just going to get ready for bed and cry my eyes out cuz I can't think of anything else to do right now... Pity Party for One, coming up.

I've always been a relatively healthy girl and have never had any sort of health scare, not even a pregnancy scare... I'd noticed my right breast increasing in size 2 weeks ago, but I figured it was premenstrual. I made an appt with my NP, just in case, and decided to keep it yesterday. Imagine my shock when she said she found a lump that concerned her. It's 3cm x 3cm and is at about 6 o'clock. She wants me to have an ultrasound, but I don't get ins through my new job for another 10 weeks. It registered, but didn't really register, you know? I told my good friend and she reminded me that I can get an ultrasound through the community clinic I used to work for and it wouldn't cost me much. After that, the possibilities really sunk in and I got so scared. My mom had come over, but left before I could tell her. I was getting ready for bed at almost midnight and couldn't go to bed without telling her. I woke her up and, of course, she was supportive. She gave me a hug and let me cry some and I was able to go to bed a little while later. It's amazing how much just a smidgen of emotional support can help when you're frightened.

I'd texted my BF and told him she'd found a spot she wanted to keep an eye on. I didn't mention the US because I didn't realize I could get one sooner. He took my text to mean that everything was fine and never responded at all. Fast forward to when it really started sinking in and I'm beginning to get really scared. He'd texted me about something else and, all of a sudden, I got so upset that he didn't say anything at all. I told him I just wanted some concern, wasn't mad at him, was terrified, etc, etc and, this morning, he proceeded to tell me I was being a fucking bitch because he couldn't read my mind and tell me what I wanted to hear. Anyone else I know would have had the compassion to at least acknowledge what was going on. He said I was ruining his time with his wife (long story) and to leave him alone and stop bugging him...This was not my intention at all, but now I have a very strong feeling that she's told him he needs to break up with me.

I love him, but I just started a new job and now have a breast lump to worry about and I don't know if I have the energy to fight to keep him. In addition to the lump, my pregnancy test was a big, fucking negative so that didn't help the situation in the least bit...

I got off work an hour ago, I'm starting to get sick, I'm tired, but can't sleep because of the Go Girl I drank to stay awake until 11. I'm really glad I have the next 3 days off.... The BF probably won't be home until Tuesday, but I work all week and don't even know if I'll see him next weekend. FML...

Anxiety

Spent most of the weekend with Brian and it was great until we went to play pool on Saturday night. Something happened and we didn't speak much after that. He did say he was going to the range alone the next day and when he was leaving told me "Don't be here when I get back". I knew he was upset (he claims I Never listen to him, which is bullshit) and needed his space so I went home shortly after he left. He sent me a few texts on Sunday, but didn't return the 2 I sent him yesterday. This morning, I ask how long I'm going to be ignored and he said I obviously didn't get that he needs his space and that my 'bugging him' was pissing him off. I sent him 2 texts and 2 emails (one video he was looking for and one job opening)... I'd hardly call that bugging, esp considering how many times I wanted to text him.

I don't know what to do. I know I should just call time of death, but I can't bring myself to give up and walk away. I still love him, despite everything. Now he's saying he doesn't think we should have a child because he 'doesn't want to deal with me and a kid'. I told him my original plan was to raise my child by myself and that I only want him involved if he wants to. I'm not going to try and force him to be a dad... That's an impossible thing to do.

Unfortunately for me, my physical reaction to anxiety is awful! My stomach is upset and although I'm hungry, I can't usually stomach more than a small amount of anything. My heart goes tachycardic at random times and every time my text tone goes off, my stomach clenches and I get a new wave of rapid pulse. All I want to do is sleep, but my racing heart makes me feel so weird that I can't.

He hasn't said anything definitive about splitting up and I know he would if that were the case. I can handle giving him space, I just wish I didn't physically feel like this! I feel awful and not like myself and I know its not helping my ability to cope. I'm trying to keep busy, but its a gray ugly day and I don't feel like doing anything but wallowing in my anxiety and heartache. I start crying at the most random times too...

In a Funk...

I have no idea why, but I've been in a funk for the last few weeks and I can't do anything to snap myself out of it. Brian said he'd noticed a change in my demeanor and I definitely feel different, I just don't know why...

I'm trying to get pregnant and my first weeks of trying didn't take. I know its early, but it still kind of hurt when Aunt Flo showed up Monday. I'm afraid I've waited too long and won't be able to get pregnant...

I want a normal relationship with a normal man, but I love a bipolar man with PTSD and I can't do anything to change how I feel. He says he loves me, but won't make a sound if I choose to leave him. I don't know how he can profess to love me, but not give a shit if I stay with him or not! I'm not a quitter and the last thing I want to do is walk away from him. We get along so well, normally, and its killing me that we have this kind of tension between us! Why do I love him? He's smart, funny, and gorgeous and I, usually, love spending time with him, despite not being able to hold and kiss him like I want.

All I know is that I want to feel like myself again...